Motherhood

I have discovered several things in my journey to motherhood.....

I love being a mom

I never knew I could get so attatched to Sophie so quickly

I never knew I would get so excited about a first meal of bannanas (which she hates) or a second of apples which she loves would be so much fun

I never knew how fascinating watching a child learn to crawl could be

I never knew hearing my child laugh and giggle could make me so happy

I never knew how I will sometimes hold her for many more minutes than she needs when she has fallen asleep just so I can cuddle her and soak of the sweetness of my child

I never called anyone daughter and I like saying that

Babies feet can stink really bad!!!

I never knew one child could have so many clothes (she grows out of stuff faster than she can wear it thanks to the generosity of my family and church family)

I don't care what people say I know you go through alot of wipes but it will take us a little while to get through 8000!!!!

I never knew babies grew overnight (literally)

I have witnessed my child (who must be going through a growth spurt) drink and eat her current body wieght!!!

I don't mind getting out of bed on Sat morning at 6 am if she is awake and although it is still hard to get up I ook forward to finding her in her crib smiling at me

I knew but had not experienced the time warp that takes over when you have to take a baby with you and all the stuff they require.

I never really thought about having to use the bathroom if you are by yourself and driving and you have to stop at a gas station. That I would have to lug her into the stall with me and laugh at her as she stares at me while I pee!!!!

I never knew so much trash could be generated by such small person

I did not used to warm my car up for a long enough period of time for it to actually get warm before I went somewhere before Sophie.

I never knew my husband would be this great a father (even if he does not know how to make cereal bottles). I mean I knew he had the skill for it but he even does good changing #2 diapers and before Sophie sometimes jus the smell of the trash as he was taking it out would make him gag.

I learned that I think she is adorable even when she is pitching a fit

I love my family even more as they are such a good supprot to Chris, Sophie and me.

I am so thankful for family medical leave even if I don't get paid my full check

I now understand thinking did she get enough pee on that to warrent changing the whole outfit

I never knew I would handle boogers this well

I have learned to eat one handed with a child grabbing at my food

I have learned that it is good advice to always have the clean diaper ready during changes (even for a girl)

I learned that bath time is fun

I learned that my heart melts when she looks at me and acknowleges now that hey I am that woman that takes care of her and that man with the deep voice does too.

I learned that you should alwyas turn the baby monitor off when you have company if you don't want them to hear conversations in the nursery

I am surprised that sitting on a floor all day watching a child play is not so boring after all

I hate washing bottles

I don't get to attached to any outfit I put on in the morning becasue one of several things may require a change including a code yellow, a code brown, a code snot, a code spitup and that on top of that spit stains are a great accessory to any or all of your shirts

I never knew my house was such a death trap!!!!

Why does everything we put a baby require confinment? I know the answer is safety, but they really don't like it

I still don't like to do our laundry , but I like doing her laundry

Time flies

I vaccum the living room everyday and sometimes twice a day

Overall, as I end my time to leave and I transition Sophie to daycare (which will no doubt bother me more than her) I have thought alot about how your perspective really does change with parent hood. I hate to have the day when she maybe takes her first step and I am at work. But I do have to provide things such as food and healthcare for her. So I found someone who would love her when I am working to provide what she needs.

I cannot wait to see her develop but in many ways it is sad because she is growing and changing everyday and somedays you wish you could just stop time and stay in a moment of sweet babyness forever. However I also want her to grow strong and develop and become a sweet little toddler that reaks havoc on the dogs and the house and then grow up to go to school and learn and become a little girl then a young lady then a woman.

I cannot wait to watch the flower unfold and see what hidden talents and surprises she has in store for me. She is already teaching me to be a mom and I hope I am at the high end of the learning curve.

I really do dig this motherhood thing and as far as the baby stage goes I feel I am getting better at it day by day. I really do like this job. The pay sucks, the hours are horrible, working 1,2 ,3 shift is sometimes diffuclt, it has great responsibility, but even greater rewards.

So Sophie when you read this one day know how much your mother loves and cherishes you and how much I enjoy watching you become you day by day. I love your baby stage and I look forward to the next stage.


They didn't have you where I come from. The best of life was yet to come. My life began when I saw your face. Your laughter is my serenade. How long do you want to be loved? Is forever enough? Is forever enough? How long do you want to be loved? Is forever enough? Cause I'm never ever giving you up.

Love you
Sophie
Sophie Ruth
Ruthie
Rufus (blame your dad for this one) {sorry but when you live in this house
Sophie Bear you will have a thousand nicknames}
Baby Bear

Getting Settled

Well we have been home a week and two days and life is just getting better. Sophie is still as wonderful as the day we meet and actually more so. She has had a big week. Her Grandma was here with us until Thursday, her Aunt Carrie and Uncle John came to visit and brought her some toys, and she had a full day out on Sunday meeting her great great grandmother (Granny T), her Great Uncle and Aunt Greg and Angela and her Cousins Carley and Lance, her good friend and surrogate gandmother Jackie, and then spent some time with Nana, PawPaw and the Shorts. She went on her first hay ride and got her first pumpkin.

At the pumpkin patch she had to go number two and did it all over herself so we had to do an open air cleaning and while we were changing her on a pallet made for pumpkins she discovered pine needles and covered herself in them!!

She has dicvoered her toungue and sticks it out at every possibility, she has dicovered laughter and gets her self so tickled she can hardly breath, she sat up yesterday after some help from mom and held herself up for about five minutes. She is going to be sitting up soon. This is good because she is nosey and she can position herself so she can see what is going on. I put together a string of alphabet letters yesterday for her to play with and she loves them. She sucked on them mostly but she entertained herself for a good 30 minutes with them.

It is just amazing how quickly children develope. It is so much fun wathcing her learn new things everyday. Although I love Chris very much and could not ask for a better husband and could not ask to feel more love for my husband. I could never fully imagine the love I feel for Sophie. She is so amazing and precious and I cannot wait to see the new things she learns everyday and the new things I am taught by her everday. Just seeing her smile and hearing her laugh makes the day. She truely is a gift that we have been given charge of and I only hope everyday I am doing the things that will help her be the best person she an be.

I have to go now as i is bottle time. Daddy is home with us todya but he has to run a few errands.

Love From 2874
Summer

At Last

Well we have come a long way baby. We are home with Sophie!! She is doing well. First I will give you the down low on hte trip home. We left Vietnam on Sat after finishing some shopping, and going to a Water Puppet show on Friday night. It was incredible. We walked fromt he lake to our hotle and commenced packing.

Saturday we flew from Hanoi to Taipei and then from Taipei to LAX. We got lucky and the bassinett and bulkhead were avaliable afterall and it was a God send as Sophie slept alot in the bassinett. Then we got to LA where the fun begins. I thinkthe entire country of the Phillipins deboarded just before us and all had immigrant visas to process and the only line open for doing this had two men working in it. We had a 2 and half hour layover and spent two hours of that in immigration. So we got our bags and went through customs then jogged as well as you can with 3 bags, 4 carryons, and a baby strapped to you to terminal 1 (5 terminals away) to geton our flight. We rechecked our bags just to find out that there were not two seats together. Sophie is starving, and we get to security they catch us in the random screen. I had to take Sophie out of the bjorn and they took the bottle of water I was going to make her bottle with. We geton the plane two seconds before the door closes and ask the flight attnedants to help us find a seat together. Finally a nice gentleman helped us out. We sat down for the flight ans Sophie is licking and sucking my face becsue she is so hungry and we just did not have time to do the bottle thing before the flight and now we had no water. So of course at take off she starts screaming like a banchee on a red eye flight. This lady in front of us turns around and says you might want to try a bottle or a passy. Duh, but Sophie will not take a passy and we no longer had any water to mix a bottle. So I told Sophie to scream louder!!! Finally the flight attendant is able to get us some water and that calmed the angery bear and she slept most of that flight.

We were recieved at the airport by my parents, Chris, mom and my sister Missy andher Husband and three children. We had breakfast together at the Cracker Barrel and were glad to be in out of the 40 degree temps which shocked both us and Sophie on arrival. It was a wonderful homecoming.

The church had decorated our house with pink ribbons and they hung a welcome home sign done by the children after we got home. My neice Molly also made us a beautiful welcome home sign that she brought to the airport. We also brought Nancy home with us for a few days to get readjusted.

Now we are home and Chris has Ho Chi Minh's revenge so he may go to the doctor before Sophie. We are doign well. Sophie slept on a normal (that is NC time schedule the first night), but has been adjusting the last two nights to NC time. But she is doing well and is trying her best to adjust and be the happy baby she is. She is just so wonderful and I love having her in our home and in her room. Which my mother finished while we were away and it is so beautiful. I cried when I first saw it. Sophie usually pulls at the bumper pads at night and we often find her on her side hugging them in the morning. She loves the birght red which is stimulating to her when she is awake. She has switched formulas without problem. We mixed half and half the first day and I have to tell you it did not smell good and she did not tale it well. So the next day we just used the formula we were goignto put her on by itself and she seems to be doing well.

As for motherhood. I love it. I really don't mind the fact that I sleep four hours at a time and sometimes four hours total. I love feeding her and holding her and cuddlign her. My favorite time is when you just get her to sleep and she lays so soft and gantly agianst you falling into you and sleeping so peacefully. I also love the time when she wakes up for the seond time. I say it is her second wake up becasue she usually wakes around 4 for a bottle then she wakes up around 6 and this seond wake up is wonderful she is looking for Chris and I and then when she finds us she gives a big morning smile. Then she plays for a while but is still in that sweet cuddly mood not quite awake yet. I know alot of people have different bonding experiences with their children and Sophie has taken her time to get used to us and be a cuddle bug, but she has and I have felt in love with her from day one. I wake up wanting to check on her and go to sleep wanting to check on her. She is so absolutely amazing. She has her own liitle personality and can give a good stink eye when she is not happy with me or her father. She has changed so much just since we first meet. Her head controlis great now, she can turn to her stomach, she can propr herself into sitting for about 1 minute before toppling over, she is growing hair.... I could go on and on. It seems that she does new things everyday and it is like watching a flower unfold in slow motion. I am going to cherish this time off work and cannot wait to see what the next how many ever years have in store for us.

So for now I will leave it at that. We are continually amazed by her and hope to be amazed for the rest of our lives by her.

Love From NC
Summer

On our way home, Maybe?

We had our second interview today and will return to the Embassy tomorrow hopefully with a visa in hand. We are going ot try to fly out on Sunday if everything falls into place and we will be home Monday morning.

Sophie is back to being healthy, knock on wood and hoepfully her scales will stay away this time.
We are eating dinner with the other families at a Italian restaurant (hopefully Hanoi Italaian is good).

Sophie is just a wonderful little girl and she has been so happy since we got her to feeling better. She is upstairs pooting and and smiling at her daddy right now. She is just amazing. We are so very blessed to have her. All the other babies have had their bought with minor illnesses and for once Sophie is the healthy one. Everyone is ready to come home. Although I must admit Chris and I leave with a bit of sorrow. Not that we have definite plans to leave yet. The country is so beatiful and the people are so warm and wonderful. We could not have asked for a better expereince ( minus the Scarlett Fever ordeal). We are really enjoying our time in Vietnam and have tried to take opportunities to learn about the people and the culture so we can share as much as we can with Sophie as she grows. I want her to know how much we enjoyed our time in the country and that she really has roots from a very special place full of people who love her. Everyday people on the streets come up to say congrats to us and pat her on the head or kiss her hand. They really love their children in this country. I have to admit at times an appetite has been hard to come by, but losing a few punds won't kill me. The food is good just very foreign and we usually eat breakfast, snack in our room and then have dinner. The hotel Guoman has taken us in like family often holding Sophie (sometimes when I don't want them to) so we can have a meal together, they know our names and ask if one of us is alone without the baby how she is doing. Sophie is in love with one of the doormen and coos and smiles at him every chance. The house keeping staff is wonderful. In fact one of the housekeepers brought us a stroller to use while in Vietnam. If you are going to be thousands of miles away from home this is a good place to land. I cannot express in words the warm recieption we have been given in this country. Considering that we are in the Northern part of Vietnam and the history between our two countries the people are some of the most friendly I have ever come across.

Well as we prepare to wind down our trip we plan to see the Water Puppets and maybe do a day tour to area attractions, but we will see what happens with our travel plans. We are going to do the last of our shopping tomorrow morning before going back to the embassy in the afternoon to finish up there.

It is with great anticipation (and fear of the long trip with baby) that we are able to start planning to come home, but also sorrow as we have a love for this counrty that will forever be a part of our lives. We cannot wait to bring Sophie home, but we are goingto make the best of the time we have left here.

With love from VN,
Summer

Feeling better and making plans

Well, I would say about 70% of Sophie is peeling off like a snake now so that means she is getting better. She has been much happier. We stayed int he room all day yesterday except dinner with another family at this great restraunt set ing th courtyard of an old buddhist temple. It was a great atmosphere and good food and Sophie slept the entire time. We don't have any plans for t0day offically but will probably ventrure into the old quarter for some more shopping and possible go to a place called Craftlink where local artisans gather to sell goods.

Sophie is adjusting so well. She is starting to nuzzle us and let us really cuddle her. In the beginning she was very resistant to that. She has started loooking for us when she wakes in the mornign for about 10 secs before she screams for her bottle. She is so beautiful crusties and all. By the way her face has cleared up tremendously and we are able to see our little girl once again. She talked for about an hour last night and she just smiles and laughs. Because she slept from 530-745 last night she did not want to go to bed. Eventually about 1100 she gave up the ghost, slept till 130, had a bottle, slept til 430 had a bottle, slept til 630 had a bottle and gave us a little treat by going back to sleep until 930 this morning!!! She seems to grow every day. It really is amazing how resiliant babies are. Please continue to pray for us that she stays well and that our last embassey interview goes well.

We have planned to tours with the other families. Since we are stuck in country and have become peasants living out of our hotel rooms we have decided before we all turn into the shinning we must do something. Chris and I joked that when we get home we are going to move all of our beds into one room, I will wash all of our clothes inthe kithcen sink, and we will buy an electric kettle and live off of Ramen Noodle and Easy Mac for the rest of our lives!! I am getitng good at this one room way of living I will at least have the perception that I live in a palace when I return. And I won't even have to pay every time I use the internet!!.

Life is good. God is Good all the time and all the time God is Good.

Live from my one room shack/shanty town,
Summer

Adeventures in VN part Duex

Well, as it turns out the rash was not harmless and was actully scarlett fever steaming from and infection in the bed sore on the back of her head. We had our first good scare as parents and took her back to the SOS international helath clinic where she saw an American Pediatrician from Duke, Dr. Melissa. Dr. Melissa was kind enought o call and check on her this morning. Oddly enough she never ran a fever the entire sickness. Now all the VN people think we let her get sunburnt as her skin will peel off which is normal with Scarlett fever. She is playing now and much happier with a few doeses of antibitotics which will continue.

We had our first interview with the Embassy yesterday and it was pretty painless. We won't be able to leave before next Thursday as the person who processes Visas will be out of the office until then. So we are looking at a week from Monday or Tuesday to return home to the US.

We have made good friends with the family in the hotel with us and have found a good little cafe that eat dinner at most nights.

All in all thigns are good now that our Sophie is feeling better. She looks crusty, but is at least happy again.

We can't wait to get home and see everyone. However, since we are going to be stuck here for a few more days we will take a few tours (don't worry we will make sure she is all the way better).

Love from Vietnam
and Sophie says Peace Out
Summer

Adventures in Vietnam

Well we are feeling a little more at home in our new surroundings. We know how to tget the the health clinic, because Sophie had her physical there and we had to take her yesterday and this morning becasue she has developed a skin rash. But the doctor said this morning it is nothing to worry about. They thought at first it might be an allergic reaction, but decided it was just a begnin rash that babies sometimes get. So we are venturing out this morning to do a little laundry and then plan on going to a lake nearby this afternoon to see a bridge and a pagaoda out on the lake. We have been going to the grocery store on a regular basis to buy water and such as it is much less expensive than at the hotel.

Sophie is still great. She has been a little fussy but we think she may be starting to teeth. She is trying so hard to roll over and she gets her self sideways in the little crib in our room at night. She is adjusting great to us and is starting to look for us when she wakes. She has learned that crying almost always gets a response so she does it sometimes just to see if we will jump and of course we say how high!! Her sore is getting better with regular bandage changes and she eats really good. I never could have phathomed the love you can have for a child. I don't even care when she wakes me out of a sound sleep and in fact I am happy to get up and tend to her. Chris is just wonderful with her as well. And she loves his deep voice. He tries to talk baby talk to her and she gives him the stink eye. But if he talks in a regular voice she is mesmerized. Also you all will get a laugh out of this she cries everytime I sing, but falls into a deep sleep when Chris sings!!!!

We have been hanging out with the other families quite a bit and ate dinner like real humnas last night at the restraunt.

You can check out more pics on photobucket.com. I am not sure what the name of the file is but when I find out I will post it on here.

Back to baby and laundry.

Summer

Sophie is Ours

We completed our adoption on the VN side on Sept 29, 2006 and have been enjoying our Miss Sophie since then.

She is so beautiful and so sweet. She had a bad night the second night with us and I guess she was just completely worn out because she slept for 12 hours last night, only waking for bottles.

She is such a good baby and for the most part easy except the second night in which she apparently did not like our choice of clothes for her and she cried like mad for two hours until we removed said clothing. She is a good eater, sleeper, burper, and really cries very little except for the necessities. She poots alot like her daddy!!!

She has not had any time on her stomach in the orphanage so we have been trying her on her stomach using our travel pillow and she seems to be tolerating it better. She let both of us for the first time last night hold her stomach to stomach while she slept.

I think we are bonding well she laughs at both our voices and tracks us around the room. The only time she is still a little unsure is when she first wakes up and she needs a little reassurring.

Last night I really was overwhelemed with emotion for her. She was a little fussy after her second bottle and did not want her crib so I held her stomach to stomach and she let me and nuzzled my neck and found her fingers and slept there sweetly for about two hours. I love the way she grabs for our hands now when we feed her and laughs at our silly baby noises. I am getting good enough sleep, but don't feel tired as somehow motherhood gives you energy. I feel like I could stay awake all night just watching her sleep.

She is not a passy baby. She liked it at first, but then not. We are teaching her to find her fingers and she is gettingthe hang of it.

The journey to her was very very very bumpy. The road was a one way for about 100 miles of the trip with oxen, water buffalo, motor bikes, bikes, and people all sharing the road without trying to kill each other. The orphange was clean and the caregivers very attentive to the children. Many of them became overwhelmed with emotion as they gave us our babies. The place was very clean and well kept and they helped us to learn our babies schedules and habits.

Our hotel is great and the staff are so wonderful with the babies. We are in the shopping area and have many little outdoor markets selling everything from bottled water to live frogs.

I need to go now and let Chris have a break.

Sophie is wonderfula nd she cannot wait to meet everyone.

Summer

Anticipation

Well we had our travel meeting, actually I had our travel meeting, but I told Chris I could do it so I am not complaning.

We had two showers and got lots of goodies. Now I just have to write thank you notes UGH!!!

I am packing and cleaning and procratinating cleaning, not that I have very long to procrastinate.

We are very excited and anticipation does not even begin to describe. We will have our Giving and Recieving either next Friday or the following Monday we are hoping for next Friday. We cannot wait to get Miss Sophie. It is like you walk around on a movie set all day and the world moves around you but you are just watching. It is surreal to think that in less than a week we will be in Vietnam and in less than two we will be parents for real, not just to a picture.

I am going to call my sister tomorrow night about some bottle boiling questions and other general baby stuff questions. Seeing as she will be delivering shortly after we arrive back in the US I am sure I will be calling her alot. I have my million and one to do list and am trying to get them done, but I think I need some ritalin as I find it hard to concentrate on anything for any amount on time (this s not unusual just worse).

You may not hear from me agian until Vietnam. So I will see you on the other side of the world.

Sophie it is so close now I cannot just about smell your baby sweetness. I will be there little girl in a few days to start a very important job of parenting you. You really are my sunshine. So I am sending you a kiss via overnight fedex since I should own stock in the company as we have paid single handedly for at least on advertisement. Stay sweet and warm and safe. It won't be long now. With great anticipation love MOM

Creation...

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2 weeks and counting

In two weeks from tomorrow we should be boardign a plane and flying to VN to pick up our Sophie.

I am starting to get excited all over again. I cannot believe it is now only really two weeks. We got our plane tickets today and there was a little oops our travel agent made her ticket out for Oct 4 and we fly out about two weeks later than that. He is going to fix it though.

I bought snacks at the grocery store to take with us and got her scripts from the doctor. I printed our travel insurance cards. I am starting to decide what to take and will order Chris some light weight pants. I cannot wait to go.

It is almost surreal as if I am walking around on a movie set and not actually living real life. I am trying to stay focused at work but admit I find it hard.

We spoke to the two other couples wha ar going with us and one of them is flying the same flight. We are meeting up with at least one of them to eat dinner on Firday night so that is exciting.

I thought when our travel got delayed that the two week mark would never get here, but it has. And although I think two days from now I could have been on a plane. I just hink now in two weeks I will get to meet my daughter. I daydream about how much she will weigh and how she will react to us. We both agree she will probably cry, but oh well it will help us to bond by comforting her.

I keep thinking there will be little presents under the tree for her this year and she willg etot celebrate Thanksgiving with us.

It seems to have taken forever to get to this point, but we (with any luck and a lot of prayer) are on the home stretch. It reminds of when I was a little girl and my parents used to say after a trip as we pulled in the drive "home again, home again jiggity jog".

Sophie soon we will be saying that with you. I love you baby girl and in two more weeks mom and dad will be coming to bring you home. I pray for you today that you are always comfortedby loving arms when you cry . Love you Mom

Accepting the Unexpected

I think Chris and I are finally finished feeling a little sorry for ourselves. We were so excited to travel on Sept 13, but then when it got moved to Sept 26 we felt let down. Yes, we are still going to get our daughter and yes it is only two weeks. But we felt the air fall out of our sails just a little bit. Some days it seems like we are so close and then again so far away. But I am startig to get excited about hte baby showers we will be having starting 2 weekends from now. My mom calls everyday to update me on the nursery she is sewing. I am looking forward to seeing Miss Sophie regardless of when I get there. It just leaves us in that vulnerable position for two extra weeks wondering hey when can we go get our little girl.

I think of her constantly and look at her picture constantly. Right now I remind myself to stay ahead at work. Keep up all my notes, and keep things running smoothly prior to my leaving so I can feel good about work when I leave. I also am trying to keep the house looking decent and get things baby proof including the dogs (aka current two babies).

The one thing I cannot do is dream about Sophie. Before we knew who she was or that she was a she I dreamed about the adoption and getting the referral, but now I don't dream of it anymore. I will leave that one up to Freud.

I think I will go to a couple of consignment sales this weekend just to see what they have. Then we are having showers the next weekend and then it is just one more weeknd until we leave. I will be so thankful. My next major to do is to get her a giving and receiving outfit. We have looked around some but Fall clothes are out around here now and they will be too warm for Vietnam. I am going to look at the consignment sales. We don't want anything fancy just in case birth families are there because I think t is very inconsiderate to buy a dress that possibly cost more than they will make next month. We have discussed this at length something sweet and simple.

I am really just ramblign tonight because I felt I needed to talk about Sophie.

Sophie. I Love You. I guess you are probably up right now working on a new day just as dad and I get ready to go to bed. It won't be too much longer now. I continue to pray for you everyday. I will send kisses on the moon your way. Love Mom

Schadenfreude

In the Simpsons episode "When Flanders Failed." Lisa accuses Homer of feeling schadenfreude when Homer gloats about Ned Flanders being on the verge of bankruptcy. Lisa asks Homer, "Dad, do you know what Schadenfreude is?", to which Homer replies in a sarcastic tone, "No, I do not know what Schadenfreude is. Please tell me because I'm dying to know." Lisa then explains "It's a German term for shameful joy, taking pleasure in the suffering of others." Homer responds with "Oh, come on, Lisa. I'm just glad to see him fall flat on his butt! He's usually all happy and comfortable, and surrounded by loved ones, and it makes me feel...what's the opposite of that shameful joy thing of yours?" "Sour grapes." "Boy, those Germans have a word for everything."

Sorry, I need the humor. It allows me to enter a time of confession. I have thought long and hard as to who could be my confessor...a blog is easier because it doesn't ask questions back. (I am also not worried about too many people responding to this post, thus my confessor is little more than my own echo...not ultimately what I desire, but the only voice I can stand on this matter at this time. Still, if you have a response, my ears know they need to hear it!) I confess that I have come to the realization or at least the concern that I might be guilty of schadenfreude, taking pleasure in other people's misfortune. My joy over Sophie stands as a dialectic (thank you Mr. Hegel). I wrestle with the fact that over the last few weeks I have enjoyed the greatest pleasure I have ever experienced in my life while pushing to the fringes of my conscience the reality that my joy is the result of one woman's loss...one woman's situation in life...a country's social/economic environment (noting that that situation is in some part the result of American involvement...before I was even born). In short, I have a child because someone else doesn't or can't.

We know very little about the circumstances of Sophie's birth and subsequent arrival at the orphanage. We may never know these circumstances. Of course I could imagine that we are the lucky parents who just happen to come across a baby floating in the bullrushes. Still, the reality might be far from idyllic.

For every story that ends "and they lived happily ever after," another person's story moves from fairy tale to nightmare. In the dialectic, I now want synthesis. I want to be able to exist with the great joy over "my Sophie," while holding within me, always, the fact that she was once, "someone else's Sophie." Simply put, how does one pray in one voice with great joy and great sorrow, sacrificing neither...keeping both in tension. (See this is why I need to voice this confession...if you can call it that...to a proper confessor and not a blog).

My mind wanders and wonders, is all joy just the opposite side of some cosmic coin...the shadow side being pain? I worry am I still ethical...is it better to take an orphan or work to resolve the circumstances that, well, give birth to orphans? (Off the top of my head this is probably a false question...the answer lies in not answering either, but seeking the middle.)

On Dark Moods, the Ability Lost, and Hell

Jean-Paul Sartre once said that "Hell is other people." He captures that Hell in his work No Exit. (A classic and a must read, that is why I linked it!) I find myself in a dark place this evening...a fearful place...a place where Hell is other people. I don't even have the heart to mount a satirical rant about beauracracy and red tape. Eventhough, I found out today that I will have to wait until the end of September to go pick up my Sophie. I am cheered by the realization that I still get to make the trip. Though...the wait has shaken me to the core of my being. Already, one family has lost a child because the birth family took the child back. (I am hard pressed to know how to pray for that situation, while I feel deeply for the adopting family, if for no other reason than I worry I may find myself in their position, who could fault me for not rejoicing that the child is again with the birth family.) I want to be with Sophie now and no amount of distraction, coping, or kind words can shake that thought. This bothers me greatly, the fact I cannot distract myself. I have had the curse or the ability (depending on how you look at it) since I was a kid to shut off all feelings and thoughts about any person I choose (a defense mechanism, I didn't ask for it, I had to develop it or die). I can...or should I say I could...do this with all the mental focus that it takes most people to decide what they will have for dinner. It works rather like turning on or off the proverbial light switch. With a flick of this switch, I can stop feeling...sad I guess in a way. This isn't male bravado, its the truth. I can do it with the wife (though less than when we first started dating), the sister, the mom, the dad...you get the picture. Ok readers, now you know why I never look or act stressed. This is not repression...because I eventually have to turn the switch back on...then the light...or the person...or the feelings...well, they flood back. Today, I realize that I no longer have this "ability," put more positively, I no longer have this curse...at least not with one little girl. I go to flick the switch in my mind and little fingers push the switch back on. I go to turn it off, and little hands grab my arm and pull my hand a way from it. I don't even want to reach for it anymore...I just want to hold the little hand that keeps grabbing mine. I'm going to quit typing now, small hands keep pulling at my shirt...grabbing my wrist...pulling me away to some other pursuit. So, I find myself praying...but, I have no words...I have reached that point that St. Paul talked about...where the spirit prays within a person in groans that we can't understand. Groans but, I need words! Yet how do I find them? Help! There is one hope, art! For me art is an escape, it is a way for me to express the few things in life that I can't find words for...the honest truth is I rarely am speechless... I often have a speech when modesty and humility calls me to simply say, "I am speechless." Up until Sophie, the only time I gave myself to art was in preparation for VBS because for me when I am painting or drawing there is always some agonizing moment, even if it lasts but for a minute, when I think about how my best sketches when I first started drawing came during times of great duress, agony, or anxiety. Rarely does the art from those days literally express my emotions. The giveaway is in how detailed I make the piece! The more detail, the more I was trying to focus on the paper to avoid focusing on something else. Nowadays these moments come and go quickly and I focus on the fact that what I am doing will make someone else's day...other people's joy becomes my joy, then I am joyful. Enough streams of consciousness, Hell is other people. I don't know if this works philosophically without coming off as sounding wrong. I find myself in hell due to my deep love for my baby daughter. I find myself in agony wanting to be near her! Yet, the hell of it is...like in Sartre's play...is that I wouldn't trade anything to relieve myself. Suffering is a sign of love...OK, that works...it at least jives with the New Testament. I wouldn't trade anything or take anything for the realization today of how deeply in love I am with a child I have not even met yet! May God have mercy on me...may the days pass fast now! And when she is here in my arms may minutes be eternities.

Part Prayer/Part Post

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I haven't met you yet, yet I miss you already. Know that you are all I am able to think about, and I am able to think about much. I have had visions of you since your mother first gave breath to the notion of you. I have sought you in my mind, bringing you to rest in my heart. A heart that didn't know it had such depths until it held you. No arms holding you will satisfy me, no arms short of mine. Short is the distance between your heart and mine, but long is the distance that now stands between us. I don't know what the future holds...I only with fear and trembling know the one who holds the future in his hands. For now you'll have to sleep in his hands. May angels speed me to you. May angels surround you. May angels surround me. Goodnight Sophie. Amen.

Unexpected Delays

Oh well, I got a call today informing me that we would have to postpone travel for about two weeks. So we will change our flights for the last week in September. Obvioulsy it was a bummer on the day but I am trying to look at the bright side. I know that there is a reason for the wait so I am okay with that. I also feel like hey now we can get a little more ready. Although, I would go to get her ready or not. I am looking forward to getting the house clean and ready, getting the nursery ready, celebrating her arrival with my family and church through the showers. I was looking forward to meeting her earlier than expected but I will just have to look forward to meeting her as soon as I possibly can.

It does put doubt into your mind when things like this arise. Like is somehting going to go horribly wrong? Am I willing something to go horribly wrong by having those thoughts? I just now know I cannot wait for Sept 27th ish to get on a plane a get my baby girl.

So tonight Sophie, I am sorry for the delay, but just be patient. We are working very hard to do the right things to come and bring you home. Sleep tight little one knowing that we are on our way we have just been a little delayed. We love you more and more everyday and cannot wait to see your sweet little face. The whole family prays nightly for your homecoming. Your daddy was heart broken today learnign that he must wait two more weeks to see your precious face. Don't worry we are using our extended time to get everything ready for you at home. We are so looking forward to the day that we will get to hold you. I love you Love Mom

Unexpected Travel

As I am sitting here I should be getting ready for work, but since Monday afternoon I have been unable to think about work. I was leaving work on Monday and just before I left I went to check my work email account where low and behold there was an email that had the subject line travel dates and was from the right person. I opened it up excitedly and it said you need to be in Vietnam on or before Sept 17. Oh my gosh, we had not planned on leaving until at least the end of September. We had some showers planned, but they can be postponed. Chris experienced the baby store yesterday when he went off to buy diapers, bottles and onsies so we have some things to take when we go get Sophie.

I was actually cool with this part of the wait. Not that I do not want to go and get my daughter, but after the referral came I knew that there was an end in sight. We have a few things to do around the house and we where planning on showers, buying a few things ourselves ect mostly on the weekend of the 16 and 17. Now all that has changed and we have gone into hyperdrive. I find myself constantly starring at her picture and thinking wow in just a little over two weeks I am going to be holding her.

I also want to say to Sophie...
Mom and Dad pray for you everynight. I say a simple prayer before I go to bed everynight and when I awaken every morning. God, tell Sophie she is loved, give her people now who will care for her, keep her safe and healthy, and let us get to her soon.
Baby girl I love and this entire extended family loves you. Grandma, Nana and Paw-Paw, Aunt Carrie and Uncle John, Aunt Missy and Uncle Craig, all your cousins and other relations are praying for you and they love you too. It is amazing to me that in two weeks I will get to hold you and smell you and feed you and bring you to my home and love you forever. I am so excited to be meeting you. You are my sunshine... Love Mom

Ramblings...

"Blessed is the man who finds wisdom..." Proverbs 3: 13. In the Old Testament, wisdom is always personified in the feminine. Of course, how could wisdom be something associated with men. This is part of the reason I wanted to name my daughter, still reads funny when I type it, Sophie. Yeah, I know the Old Testament wasn't written in Greek (Sophia is wisdom in the Greek, Sophie just sounds less like a Golden Girl). Blessed is the man indeed! It is amazing the power this kid already has over me. If I am having a rough day at work, I pull out the photos. Instant Zen! I can't wait to hold her. Love incarnate. (Not surprising when God wanted to express the fullness and purity of his love comes as a baby. What else were we or should we have expected.) I look at the photos longing for the person. I find myself daydreaming while driving in the car (not necessarily the healthiest of practices) about conversations we might have some day, like why Duke was always the only the choice for college or why boys only want one thing...of course, at that point I tell her to ask her mother about "the one thing." I imagine typing at this computer only to feel tiny fingers grasping my arm...what a welcome diversion. No, scratch that, the computer is the diversion...the kid is the most important thing. Tiny fingers wanting me to play at some game or just pay her some attention. I can imagine us watching the Simpsons, I'm sorry but Barney bites, the Wiggles just seem asanine, and the Tellatubbies only make sense if you're a Timothy Leary disciple. I can't wait to hear her first words. She could probably wait because I fear that shortly following that moment baby gets her first taste of soap followed by Summer giving me a lecture about not letting her sit in the same room with me when a ballgame is on. I can't wait until she cracks her first joke. It is like all of the sudden life is new because of a birth (wow, if that doesn't have Biblical overtones) and all the old stuff (big or small, simple or complex) are like I am experiencing it again for the first time. I write her name in the margins of my minutes at church meetings, like some lovestruck teenager. I kiss pictures good night and hug them good morning. My usual stone poker face that rarely reveals my true emotions is gone when it comes to this kid. I want to walk up to strangers and give them one of my bubble gum cigars. So, Sophie...I have only fallen in love with three people in my life, if you take out Jesus, that leaves your Mom and You. Speaking of your Mom, I'm the fun parent. I wanted to get that out in the open right away. Seriously! I didn't think I could love your mother any more than I did when I married her, I was wrong! OK kid, when I first started this blog your old man has to get his mind around something before he can get his heart around it. Well, both are around you now and have been for longer than you have even been you! Can't wait to met you.

Welcome to the the world baby girl.

If you haven't guessed we have a referral. For those Morris Chapel people we are going to announce it in church on Sunday. For those of you who asked me on Sunday if I knew anything and I said No. I am sorry I had to tell a fib until we had finished the accpetance part. We did that today.

Okay onto the story...

Last Thrusday one of my coworkers asked how the adoption was going. I told her we were driving ourselves crazy and that we did not think we would get a referral very soon. In fact Chris and I had spoken and had decided we were going to hav a baby free weekend. (aka a weekend were we don't obssess about the adoption and when is this going to happen). Instead, on Thrusday our office assistant told me at the end of my last treatment that I had a call and it was someone named Susan Fox and she said it was personal. I could not for the life of me place that name. Well, it hit me who it was. It was our adoption program cordinator (the person who gives referrrals). So I get on the phone with cautious optimisim not portraying that with my over excited voice and said, Hello Susan!! She said I have some news for you we have a referral to present to you. I think I probably screamed and started tearing up a little but tried to continue my conversation with Susan. She told me it was a little girl and that she was in the province of Tuyen Quang (look it up on a map of Vietnam) which is northern provience. She gave me some more details and told me not to get too excited it was not final yet and we still had some work to do on our end before we acceted the referral. I think I told her loved her!!! Then I asked for her birth date. She asked me was I sure I wanted to know it was in the information she had emailed to me. I said, "Yes, I want to know." She then told me her birthdate was June 14, 2006 making her just over two months old today.

Of course, I called Chris while trying to open my email and regain some control of myself. His reaction was.... Don't do that to me that is mean. You are not seroius, stop playing around.... Once, I convinced him it was true I forwarded him the email and he became a Daddy.

We decided to keep it as quiet as possible until today because we had to speak with a doctor about her medical information (nothing wrong with it just standard procedure). After that we could accept, which we did.

This is how it goes from here. Our accpetance will be forwarded to Vietnam. They will process it through IAD (international adoption department) then create a dossier on our baby Sophie. They will then assign a giving and recieving date or the adoption ceremony in Vietnam. This process takes about a month and a half give or take. We will only be given one to two weeks notice before we travel. Sophie will be home for Christmas, Thanksgiving, and hopefully Halloween.

Now onto my emotions. I hae been riding on a roller coaster. Although we told many people on Tuesday and throughout this weekend. We have been trying, as much as we could to contain ourselves, to keep it under wraps until all was final. I don't think I have ever been this excited in my life except maybe the day I got married, but this is a whole different set of emotions. I can't sleep, I constantly look at her pictures. Which, by the way, she is BEAUTIFUL!!! I don't have time to fully explain these feelings which come over me. I sit all day and day dream of her. I get goofy when I get home everyday and say "hello daddy" to Chris and he gets goofy right back. This is an amazing experience that I have not fully comprehended.

Now I am getting sleepy for the first time since Thursday so I am going to talk to my daughter now

Sophie I pray you are safe, healthy, warm and feed tonight. I pray that there are people around you who love you and will care for you until dad and I get there. We are so excited to see you grow and change and face the challenge of being your parents. We have already started falling in love with you and please don't tell me there is no such thing as love at first sight. I love you and so does daddy. I would say sleep tight but you have probably been awake a few hours in Vietnam already.

Last thought in this rambling message. I have thought alot since Thursday about the birth mother and for the privacy of my child I will not expose any details. I just wanted to tell her thank you and that I have prayed for you many nights that you have kept our baby healthy. I will pray for your future and your happiness as long as I am alive.

Summer

Introducing Miss Sophie Ruth Henson

Of Two Year Old Wrenches and Wait Until You Have Kids of Your Own

Routine. I cling to my routine as of late (i.e., sleep, wake, wash, work, dogs, wife, xbox 360...that is my new wife, "Oblivia," sleep some more, repeat) and it is that routine that keeps me patient...oh, lets be honest it is how I make it through each seemingly endless day. Yet my patience is a thin veneer covering my bundled excitement and unbearable anticipation. Routine, right! I was coping with this in-between times waiting stuff quite well (again, new wife "Oblivia" helps) until Summer goes and throws a 2 year-old wrench in it! What? OK, we had a lovely dinner party (wow, I sound so Jr. League...quick I must purge... "fight the power" ..."down with the man"...there...I feel better) this past Saturday (08/05/06) for some people she works with who are or have adopted a child. 2 year old wrench, right back to the topic. One family had adopted a Chinese girl (the aforementioned 2-year old wrench...though no disrespect to the lovely Miss Princess Zola...hope I spelled her name right...who is a wonderful and delightful girl). Anyway, Summer welcomed this family into our home, they arrived first, and I'm in the back of the house. I walk into my kitchen and there is the wrench in my kitchen. She is Chinese, 2 years old, beautiful...and she wrenched my heart in the best way imaginable right out of my chest into my throat. Thank goodness it was wrenched into my throat so I was unable to say, "Sophie?" That moment, it had the same feel as when I was a kid and I would round the corner in our kitchen on Christmas Morning going into the dining room to see what Santa had left. I can't describe the feeling, that is why I offer the illustration...that way if you've felt that you can imagine something of what I felt last Saturday. My routine, to say the least, is no longer enough.

I also started thinking what would I do when I first found out, "hey you got a little..." I will kneel, no choice in the matter really, because the weight of joy is great and pushes even the most powerful men to their knees. I will kneel because humility is a burden that even Atlas couldn't bear...the humility that comes with realizing that now in this world there is someone that I exist for... I will kneel and say thank you for the most beautiful gift... I now am starting to get that whole "wait until you have kids of your own" line...I am feeling things that I am certain one only feels when they have kids of their own.

Finding common ground

We did something very good for us tonight. We had a group of people I work with over for dinner. They all have either recently adopted or are in the process of international adoption. We had a fabulous time and I hope everyone else did. It was nice sitting there with people who either are in the same place you are in or are have been there or who are going to be there. It was just nice to be with a gorup of people where you did not have to explain yourself or what you meant when you said dossier. It was nice to have the common bondof adoption. I hope we continue to do this as our adoptions progress and our families grow. I also think it made the waiting not seem so bad because you had some hope if this group of people can do it then so can we. We all have the hope that this time next year our families will plus one and when we get together we will not have enough room at our homes to comfortably fit every one.

So if you read this blog and you came to our house tonight thanks, we really needed is.

Summer

Waiting for Godot

Like Vladimir and Estragon, in Samuel Beckett's tragicomedy "Waiting for Godot," it seems as if Godot (read: Sophie or Caleb) will never get here. I wake up each morning to hear the words, "Godot will not come today, but surely tomorrow." I think the psychological and philosophical challenge posed by eternity is that unlike all other measurements of time, eternity has no beginning and it has no end. This is why this time between the end of our paperwork and our referral feels like an "eternity." Still, the in-between-times have offered me an insight...I now think I grasp the depth of the Shema. The Shema, "Hear O' Israel, the Lord your God is One" and its continuation that you shall love the Lord with all your heart, soul, and mind. I now know what it means to be consumed (heart, soul, and mind) with the thought of someone else, be it God or my child. I am now experiencing something that in the future will serve as a sort of litmus test, if you will, for how much of my being I am actually devoting. Waiting for Godot, waiting for Sophie, waiting for Caleb has caused me to feel what it means to be devoted fully to something. So, "will Sophie/Caleb come today?" "No, but surely tomorrow." And eternity rolls on!

Patience

I was once told as a young person (around 13) by a well meaning adult to NEVER pray for patience, because I might just get what I asked for. I thought this was odd as Ihad grown up in a church and a home where you prayed for the things you sought and you thought God might seek for you and for the most part anything should be prayed for and talked about with God. Now in my late late late 20's I understand I prayed for patience and am now getting just what I asked for. Let me explain. We have been waiting for our first 30 some days since our Dossier arrived in VN. Accoridng to usual timelines we should recieve a referral between 30-90 days. So now I must pray for patience as I am finding this part of the process the most difficult. This wait seems to be taking forever and I am so tired of waiting.
However, I have tried to focus on other things. I am trying to clean the house, organize the office, get caught up at work, go to the gym (not too good at that one), and so on and so forth. I also feel God is telling me to use this time to prepare myself for parenthood so I have slept a little more than usual. I think he lately has been calling me to look at my life and make sure I will set a good example for my child. I think patience is exactly what I need to pray for and that in everything God has a valuable lesson. I will certainly need patience as a parent so I will pray for it and hoepfully God will give me just what I asked for.
Please pray for my patience as well, God may need to give me a double dose.
Summer

Hopefully not too much longer…….

We are finding this part of the wait very difficult. I emailed our coordinator knowing she cannot give me specifics, but I wanted to know something at least. She said we are second in line that another family sent in their dossier June 2 then we sent ours at the end of June. Our dossier has been translated and is where it needs to be. She said they should be handing out some infant referrals soon. What does soon mean next week, next month, a few days? Anyhow after they (VN authorities) give out the referrals then the medicals need to be done and then they can match us with a baby. What the time line is, who knows? All we know is soon.

It is very hard to contain our curiosity and excitement at this point. However we are enjoying being childless for the next few months. We have gone to bed when we felt like it. We are getting up on the weekends when we feel like it. We have gone to late movies. We have gone out to eat. Chris bought his last indulgence an X BOX 360. We have been taking the dogs on long walks. We spent last weekend with our college friends and had a blast.

I bought a crib and mattress last night from Target online. I cannot wait to get it so the basic necessities of nursery furniture will be bought and put together.

Just keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we wait.

Summer

It's Tuesday and I am feeling Un- American

It is a Tuesday and no news to share. I am getting ready to go and get a hair cut. We are visiting friends this weekend and I look forward to the distraction of good friends and good company. I wish I could say hey we got our referral and s/he is beautiful, but no such luck. Waiting just sucks. Sorry to moan about it but it is the truth.

I guess all things in life are worth waiting for and I know this is no different. However, I think Chris and I are the only ones who wish summer were over so we would at least be closer to knowing more.

I have been thinking a lot about adoption in general and for us in specific. I have been asked several times why are you not adopting an American child? Many times I just ignore it and I am tired of hearing it. Yes, they need homes too. So to all who have asked me this question, why don't you go and adopt them? You apparently feel strongly enough about it to ridicule my family and my decision to start a family that you should back your words and take some action. Also I have never asked anyone who was pregnant why did you get pregnant? Why did you not adopt an American child? Just because we choose to adopt does not mean we have to be the great Americans and save every American child. No one has ever asked one of my pregnant friends why they choose to conceive over adoption. So why does every one think they have a right to have an opinion about how I start my family? In fact many people who have asked me this question have children that they created biologically and I never once have said back to them why did you have a child when there are so many American children who need to be adopted? They don't need to be adopted any more by me than they did you and yet I did not see you giving up your ability to have a child to go out and adopt. Why is it that because we are adopting we are ridiculed for making a choice to adopt from another country. To all those who question our decision to go overseas to adopt I say go fill in the blank yourself and your jugdemental attitudes about how I should decide to start my family. When I want your opinion I will ask for it. Sorry I needed to vent.

Also when I am asked the questions why did you not choose America I think they are expecting some earth shattering answer. Well here goes we choose to adopt from Vietnam. But if you feel that you are entitled to more.... We choose to adopt from Vietnam because there are children there that need homes, we have ties to the southeast Asian community, we are not bothered if our child is a different race from us, no child deserve a home more than another simply based on where they are born, after careful consideration this was our choice. If you don't like it, tough!!!

By the way So-Cal whever you are tonight just know that your dad and I know there is ignorance in the world. We will try to protect you from it but more importantly we will try our best to teach you to meet it head on and challenge it. Love you Mom.

Summer

Waiting for So-Cal

That is our new combined boy girl name So-Cal Rujamin.

Seriously our dossier aka adoption paperwork stuff is in Hanoi. So now we wait the alloted 30-90 days for a referral. If this adoption is not over soon I may lose my job I have this restless energy that springs from being so close yet seemingly a long way off. Therefore I am having great difficulty staying focused. It could also be that I am a little burned out since I am trying to conserve time off for my maternity leave. It has not seemed that bad to wait before now because we were not done with paperwork and not done with the dossier. We always had one more tick of the list. The list is now ticked and the next thing we await is a call and an email stating this, Chris and Summer, is your child.

We have started putting the nursery together. We have a rocker, a changing table, a high chair ( I know this is not nursery), a play pen, and a busted crib for which I have recieved a refund, and the day bed. Now we are looking for a white crib if anyone has one.

It is hard to go much further until we know who our little one will be. I am so excited and nervous and a little scared all at the same time. It is just nice to know that with any good luck and timing we will be parents before the end of the year. I just cannot wait. My parents will have 5 grand children including two new additions and my mother in law will be celebrating her first.

It is so hard not to be able to look into the future and just know even if it is for the sake of knowing right now.

I go on looking at all the adoption groups, and the adoption agency website, and my own email everyday knowing I won't find anyhing, but it keeps idle hands and brain occupied. I am trying to muster the energy up to really clean the house, but I feel like I should just hold off and do it just before going to Vietnam so that everything will be perfect or at least close to perfect when So-Cal arrives.

This rambling tonight is just a product of that nervous energy.

I offer this little thought to So-Cal. Whoever you are and what ever you are doing we cannot wait to meet you. We hope your name and ours gets to the top of that pile of paper sooner than later, but whatever length of time it takes we will wait as patienly as possible until we finally meet. I would like to have a fantasy meeting where you just melt into us but likley if you are to fit into our family you will poop on your dad and scream wildly at me. Somehow we will fit together. Either way we will love you and try to provide you with a good family. We are going to try our best not to screw you up, but be patient with us we are going to be very new at this. We are getting your room ready and don't worry the dogs are banned. They are angry about this but they are banned. We are trying to use this waiting period wisely by getting as much stuff done as we can around the house. Your job is to stay safe, eat as much as you can, and wait for us to come and take you to your home in Walkertown. Oh, by the way, your father sat in the living room tonight with coat hangers on his head so let me warn you...you have no idea what life has in store for you, but it will be a fabulous trip. Can't wait to meet you. God Bless You. I Love You, Mom, mommy, mother, or whatever name you are going to call me

............Summer

The Paperchasing is FinallyOVER!!!!!!

Just to update you our 171-H a very long awaited piece of paper arrived just 6 days after our fingerprints. This means our end of the job is done. Well except the inifinite years of parenting that will come!!!

Chris will take it to the NC State Department on Tuesday and have the necessary documents attatched. Then we will mail it to Washington DC for the stamp of approval the the US State Dept. and the Embassy of Vietnam. Hopefully it will make its way back to us by the 2nd week in June then everything is ready to travel to Vietnam and we are ready to find out who our child is. Hopefully we will know by July, but it could take as long as September.

We are now getting the house ready. The office which will be the nursery was painted this week. We bought a crib, changing table and hopefully a rocking chair this week off of Ebay. We are moving the office to the basement to make way for the baby.

I cannot tell you how excited we are both becoming. It is finally going to be true.

Also I learned some news from my big sister about the time we bring home So-Cal (Sophie or Caleb) he or she will have a new cousin. Boy, our family is growing so quickly and I cannot wait for Christmas this year we will have a house full of kids and empty bank accounts. My sister was worried I would be angry with her. I hope you read this. This family has enough love to go around for all the children. Now she will be brushed up on her taking care of baby skills just in time for me to call her at 2 am when I can't get So-Cal to sleep or his/her poop is green or whatever. Now we will get to become Mommies together!!! This should also ensure my oldest neice enough babysitting experience to last a life time!!!

We will keep you posted.

Summer

May 19th is Arriving

As I sit here on the eve of May 19th, I never thought anyone could be so excited about a fingerprint appointment at immigration services. I, however, am. This is our last step in our stuff we have to do in order to get ready. I think Chris and I have both let ourselves be a little more excited about this getting a baby thing now. We even went into Baby's R US last weekend. Can you picture Chris in Baby's R US. His favorite things were the car seat that would match the Mini and the gliding rockers. Neither of which he will likely get but a but a boy can dream.

I now allow myself to think that this time next year I will have just celebrated mother's day and I am so excited about that. I will leave Chris to the theology and I will just keep you in touch about the planning.

Hopefully we will have CIS clearance in June and this means our Dossier can go to Vietnama nd we are ready to receive a referral (in adoption talk that is child).

How cool is that?


Summer

Ignorance is bliss and I am out to make you miserable!

I was recently amazed at the stark ignorance of some people. Last week I was the AV Guy for a youth doing a presentation on Romania. In her talk, she mentioned how some Romanian parents give their children to oprhanages so that the child has a chance at a better life. After the presentation, a lady walks up to me and says, "Preacher..." In my brief career, any conversation that starts with the word "Preacher," instead of "Chris," never ends well! "Preacher, I just don't see how any good mother could give up her child. No good can ever come from that!" I appreciate how the thought of a mother giving up her child so that the child can have a chance at a better life is often romanticized and that not every child comes to an orphanage this way. Anyway, if this lady had of kept quiet I would not have been able to tell that there was a village missing their idiot! No, she opens her mouth removing my doubt. Now, I could have met her ignorance with compassion, tolerance, and education. I did the latter of the three, but I replaced compassion and tolerance with crushing sarcasm and biting wit both of which can educate! (Mom always said education either costs or hurts...sometimes both.) In all fairness, she didn't know I was a smartass and that Summer and I are adopting. I said, "you know...you're right...no good mother would ever give up her child so that he or she could have a better life. Nothing good ever comes of a child who begins life that way. Then again, you could try reading that book that usually collects dust sandwiched between the two hymnals on the back of the pew you apparently have been staring blankly at for years. Find that book and flip to Exodus 2..." At this point, I head to my car. In the distance I can hear Sister Bertha Better-Than-You asking, "why Exodus 2." (Ah-ha, she has noticed that I am a seasoned Biblical smartass!) I would've loved to have been a fly on the wall when she got to a Bible!

What is in name?

I remember studying Martin Heidegger in my Duke days, I found his work to be the literary equivalent to "Lead Ambien." "Lead" because it was dense reading, "Ambien" because it was guaranteed to put you to sleep. Still, I enjoyed Heidegger, as much as anyone can say they "enjoy" German Existentialists! Still, I found myself disagreeing with a great deal of his thought. The main thing was, and I admit that this is a bit of a charactiture of his thought, he argued that the universe's only significant relationship was "I-It." (Martin Buber forgive me!) Basically, the only thing that should matter in any relationship to a person was themself ("I"). Everything, and everyone, else was to be considered an "it." The problem is that this "I-It" relationship does not recognize the value of the other as a person. An example of this kind of "I-It" thinking is that scene in The Silence of the Lambs where Buffalo Bill (or was it Buffalo Bob, no that was the "Howdy Doody Show") says to his victim, some fictious Senator's daughter, "it puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose."
Now what does any of this have to do with adoption? Well, for me my child gains more humanity when he or she moves from an "it" to a name. In other words, I am not satisfied with "baby boy" or "baby girl." I need a name! If words are the handles with which we grab thoughts then I need a name to allow me to fully embrace my child. Thinking about baby names is more than a sentimental activity to pass the time before a referral. A name equals existence. A name claims space both in my heart and in my head.
What names are you considering you may ask (you may not, but then you should probably quit reading)? Well, if it is a boy "Caleb Benjamin Henson." The last name is a given...call us traditional. Caleb is one of the 12 spies who scouted Canaan for Moses. Upon returning, every one of the spies talks about how wonderful the promised land is. Yet, ten of the spies say that the inhabitants of the new land are powerful...in other words, "it would be a great place to live, too bad we can't have it." However, two of the spires, Caleb and Joshua, say that the land is wonderful and thought its inhabitants are powerful we can still take it because God is with us! Caleb is Hebrew for "Faithful." Caleb is a strong name...it is both fearless and faithful. Benjamin was one of the 12 tribes of Israel. The name is Hebrew for "Son of my right hand." Son of my right hand...a Son who is favored..."of my right hand" being a sign of favor. There is also this wicked cool passage in Genesis 49:27 that says how the figure of a wolf was on the tribal standard of Benjamin: "Benjamin is a wolf that raveneth; in the morning he shall devour the prey, at evening he shall divide the spoil." OK, so what if the baby is a girl? It would be cruel to name a girl Caleb Benjamin (Johnny Cash is going to sue me)! I agree. If the baby is a girl then the name will be "Sophie Ruth Henson." Again, Henson...I got in to that earlier. Sophia is the word for Wisdom in the Greek New Testament, but Sophie sounds less like one of the Golden Girls! Ruth is Hebrew for "friend" or "companion." Ruth was adopted into the nation of Israel by Namoi. Though adopted, she is mentioned in the lineage of Jesus in Luke's Gospel. A powerful witness to how God defines family. (The pic is just to amuse myself and irritate Summer!)

The Discipline & Art of Hospitality...

This is another somewhat heady blog. Sorry, you just have to understand that I am a head then heart kind of guy. Still, once my head gets it my heart knows no bounds. Besides, Summer does a good job giving the where we are right now reports. As Summer and I journey closer to adopting our first child the latest news out of Vietnam is that there are far more boys in need of a home than girls. In myself I notice a bias towards little girls. For example, I find that in working with children and youth that the girls are always able to get me to do far more than the boys. Heck, a few months ago a gaggle of our church's little girls even got me to let them paint my nails. With my welcoming the possibility of having a son, I notice how I must be more intentional in my practicing the discipline and art of hospitality. Hospitality is not something that comes natural for humans. It is difficult for us, when all is said and done, to intentionally put the "other" in the primary place of the "I." In other words it is a discipline to make space, to make room, to be host, even a gracious one, to someone who at first thought is not one's preference. It is even more of a discipline to move from the role of host to that of parent. Yet, my desire to be a parent, at the end of the day, far exceeds my so-called preferences. Then I notice how much hospitality is an art. It is something that is practiced regularly and one grows more adept at it. One even grows to the point that the art becomes nature. Right now, I see in myself that my thinking and my feelings are growing as they make space for, to welcome, to embrace, to love a child for who he or she is... I am making ready for the child that will come. Hospitality is a word that is so often reduced to meaning little more than "making one feel at home." What a misunderstanding of the word, what a reduction of its true meaning, hospitality is the discipline and art of not just making others feel at home, but making them a home with you. So, here is to practicing moving towards perfecting moving towards creating a home for the child that regardless of who he or she is will still be my child. The painting in this posting is Rembrandt's depiction of the meeting of the Prodigal Son and his father upon his return. A parable about the discipline and art of hospitality, of making welcome, of making home...

The Waiting Game

I was at work on Friday when a coworker of mine who is also adopting called just to chat and see how things were going. They are going great I say as great as waiting can be. Unfortunatley I have ticked off all those things on the lists that have kept me preoccupied and now I just get to wait. Just to update you on the progress (yes waiting sometimes implies progress in the steps to adoption). We finished all the paper work we could for the dossier ( a very large packet of inoformation you have to send to Vietnam). By finishing up that means we had the documents state authenticated, and now they are in Washington awaiting State Dept. authentication (I wonder if I will get Condi's autograph... OH BOY, just what I always wanted) and then it is onto the Embassy of Vietnam in Washington for authentication. Once that returns we await finger prints on May 19th. Then we will wait on our 171-H approval form that then has to go to Raleigh, and back to Washington to be authenticated at the various levels. Then we will finally be ready to recieve our referral (adoption lingo for BABY). We have also been thinking of boy names. A girl has been our preference but we would love a little boy too. So far we like Caleb. We just can't find the perfect middle name that matches.

I have been on several of the web forums and am amazed at what some people are willing to commit to before they even know anything about the child they will recieve. They have bought car seats, made nursries, bought clothing, and so much more. Chris and I have bought nothing. Not becasue we are not prepared but how do you shop for a child that you don't know the age, sex, or size? I have been totally baffled by that. I have thought of sarting a medical kit you know baby asprin, cold/cough medicine, a thermometer and the likes but it just feel like that may somehow jinx this process. There will plenty of time for buying when the time is right.

I am reading alot which passes the time. Mostly stuff the social worker suggested about parenting and adoption.

At this point we are excited but in a lull. I can't wait for May 19 and some days I feel it will never get here, but then other times I feel like April has flown by.

Most of all I have talked with God alot about the child and pray that wherever my child is and possibly whoesever body s/he is growing in that they both are safe.

This really has be just some rambling thoughts............

Summer

God the Father...

I haven't posted in a while, but I do have several mediocre excuses...locusts, floods, moon turned red, (insert your own apocalyptic-why-I-didn't-blog-excuse here). Largely, I was hoping that my posting might be more of the nature of imaginging "baby's first steps" or "baby's first words," which considering she will be my child we could be imagining "baby's first taste of soap!" Yet, I still find my heart wanting to express the spiritual side of my adoption journey.

I am teaching a young adults' Sunday School class on the Apostles' Creed. This week we are up to the part of the Creed that reveals something of God's nature, God as Father. The Creed offers a description if you will. This is so problematic for some people, including myself at one time. Yet, this week's reading was insightful. God in God's infinite love sees God's children suffering without a parent, longing to be loved, longing to belong to someone. God in God's infinite love then says to all of our hurting humanity, "I will be their father. I will love them. I will take them into my arms. Arms they will never out-grow!" For me...I want this to be the approach that I have towards my child...to be able to say "I will be your father. I will love you. I want you in my arms. And, these arms, you'll never out-grow."

Cheers,

Chris

I am glad my husband is not a RHS

First, I just want to say thank you to Chris for being as excited about this adoption as I am. I have joined a couple of internet groups just to be able to ask questions and get advice if needed. In one particular post a lady was talking about her RHS. At first I thought this was some form I had never heard of, but it actually stands for Reluctant Husband. If he is that reluctant that you have given him a title should you really be considering the adoption? I cannot wait to meet our child and if you have been reading neither can Chris. I could not imagine going through this and having to persuade Chris to go along for the ride. What message does that give to a child? When telling their adoption story they will say "my mom convinced my dad that they needed me and he eventually gave in. They picked me up in Vietnam and he is happy he did it now." I could not imagine going into this process without Chris being 100% on the same page as me. I want my child to say "my parents loved before I came home with them. They would sit up at night talking about the day when they would eventually come and take me home from Vietnam. They worked very hard and prayed all the time for my safe return with them to start our family." I will not have to worry about our future child having any doubt that she was wanted from the start by both her parents. As Chris put in his last post we will simply say I love you and we did even before we met you. Thanks Panda for being an EEHS (equally excited husband).

Summer

Another Step Complete

Well we finished a major hurdle today, our homestudy. We also received our finger print appointment for May 19. It is so funny how you are so nervous for the homestudy about the house being clean (which those who know us ours is questionalbe sometimes) and that really is the least of the social workers worries. She is more worried about how we will care for our child and how we will raise our child. That is good because I am (probably foolishly) more comfortable answering those kinds of questions than I am being graded on my ablity to keep house. It is such a weight off our shoulders to have this step in the process complete. I feel like we can start getting excited. Although I know we still have to be approved by USCIS I feel as though we have finally proven ourselves ready and capable of parenting a child. We are ready for the rest of the journey and I for one cannot wait for the ride.

Summer

First Words...

It may be the subject of urban legend... It may be the truth... Either way, the impact is nonetheless the same. My own father's first words...first thoughts...about me where something to the effect of "I don't want you!" I now am faced with thinking about what my first words will be to my child. I think and discover that my first words come from the first words my heavenly father must have first said to me. God's first words to me where "I love you. I want you. I choose you." God chose me, and indeed all people, from the beginning. The Psalmist wrote how God knew us even before we were an us! I already want my child...who knows if she is born yet or not! It doesn't matter. I want you...wherever you are or soon will be! You hear me! I want you. I choose you because God has chosen you for me. (I have some issues saying this because it leaves the question why didn't God choose the other kids in the orphanage...the reality is that God has chosen and is always with the least of our brothers and sisters in society! I say choose here in the sense that I want to raise my child to always choose to be with those who are most in need!) Most importantly, God's first words are always "I love you." God is love (1 John...I forget the chapter and verse) and of course God would speak "love." So there it is...my first words to my child. I love you. I want you. I choose you. You're mine...and I will be yours forever. Wow.

Going Through the Process

Anyone who knows me knows I like to plan. I am not necessarily organized but on any given big event I like to put the small pieces together. Chris would say she is marking another step off the white board. I am no different with the adoption. I love the time spent going through the process and taking in the experience and I dread the days when I have checked off all the list I can and just have to wait. I think that is why I like the lists they give me something to do to pass the time that is meaningful throughout the process. Sometimes I complain about it because if nothing else it is time consuming. However, there is a sense of satisfaction that yes I am indeed a part of this process and I have input into helping the process move along smoothly. During those times I daydream about our child and what she will look like. Will she scream non stop for days on end when we get to take her with us? Will she be that child who adapts well and takes up with us more immediately? What will she eventually call us when she starts to talk will it be Mama like my husband does his mother or my simple mom? Will she say dad or daddy or gosh forbid diddy? Also as we go along in the process, we are in fact getting ready to wait. I feel like every tick mark on those list means we are a little closer to reaching our dreams.

Adoption...

My last blog was somewhat disjointed in its thinking, a bit too streams of conscience in nature. Granted, it was also maybe a bit more heady than folks might think. Yet, this one may be too... One of the things that they are constantly reminding us of during our education leading up to our adoption is to have realistic expectations when you first meet your child. I understand what they mean and take it to heart. I have no visions of our meeting our child for the first time...other than a sense of wonderful awkwardness. I don't for instance hold any image of my wife or I running...nearly breathless...of course through a field of tall grass complete with a peppering of wild flowers. Butterflies fill the air as much as the sound of some melodramatic soundtrack. Of course, the child is running towards us (no small feet for the small feet of an infant) with arms outstretched. Realistically, I just hope the child doesn't scream and cry the entire flight back from Vietnam. My feeling is that the first meeting will be what it will be...I have the rest of my life to love the child and in loving maybe that child will love me back. I guess that is what I have come to learn about God and adoption in this process. God loves us even before we are...well...even a "we" or "me" or "I." God already loves us...regardless of who we are... God loves us regardless of the circumstances of our first meeting. Noting, that though we can speak of wonderful moments of embracing God (not unlike the melodrama I detailed above), most meetings are more like Paul on the road to Damascus...a bit more gritty, painful, awkward...whatever. Yet, God loves us unconditionally. God offers love regardless of whether we give it back or not. God wants (doesn't need...God needs nothing) our love and will wait our lifetime to receive that love. I guess I have a hint of what that must be like... I already love this child...even before our meeting...and I am committed to loving this child for the rest of his/her life. My prayer is that because of the love I give...that child will come to love me as well.

I also had a dream about the child. Amazing...no longer a vision of some other Asian child...the dream was vivid...little hands and feet...little everything...almond shaped eyes...black hair...warm black eyes... Wow, Summer and I were cuddling her... Summer held her...I looked on with that look that can only be described as that "awkward what do I do next Dad look."

That Nagging Question...

Previously, I thought that members of the Board of Ordained Ministry (for the United Methodist Church here in the Western NC Conference) were the only people who could ask the same question of me to the point of ad nausem. I was wrong. This post is in a sense, a complaint and a comment. Summer and I are atypical, in more ways than one (insert your own Summer and Chris joke or story "here") in that we are choosing to form our family by adopting internationally, specifically from Vietnam. With that in mind, the nagging question that I find myself responding to is "why do you want to adopt?" I guess I find it nagging because my response to this question seems to be searching for more words than "just because." No disrespect to those who have experienced the challenges of infertility...I cannot begin to imagine their circumstances. Yet, I come to adoption as a first choice, not a last resort. Yet, I envy those who can tell their story of trying for years to have their own kids (noting, that the word "own" is problematic). I have no such story...yet, I offer this account of why I want to adopt.

My own father didn't want me. There is no real way around this fact. No amount of spin-doctoring can change it or make it look better. Now, before folks psychoanalyze the previous statements...I am not transferring anything to my potential and future child. I am not trying to fill some void in my own experience. There is no such void, my mother and sister and well...my family...more than fill any supposed void. To even say there is a void would be an insult to their years of love (and the number of years grow...well annually). Going back to my opening comments in this paragraph, I am not entertaining the notion that I in some way know what it is like to be an orphan...again, I am very much with family in this world. However, in my teen and college years I did wrestle with the question of "whose am I?" In other words, I had to deal with questions of identity and to whom did I belong? This particular came to a head when considering matters of faith. If God is my Father (appreciating that God is greater than gender...certainly much can be said of God as mother...life-giver...etc.) how do I reconcile that with my experience with father (note the lowercase, Heavenly in comparison with earthly). This is where I first came to my understanding of adoption (and relatedly why I want to adopt...my answer to the nagging question).

Adoption I came to see is the first and only understanding of parenting that we as Christians know. This is not to disparage biology, I myself am a product of biology! (As are all children.) God doesn't think less or depreciate biology, this is evident in the incarnation of Christ (born of Mary...see what I am saying). Yet, if we are the children of God...we are children by adoption. Our heavenly Father extends an invitation to be apart of his family. We are welcomed as we are...our faults...our strengths...our all. Adoption, therefore, is not an unusual way of forming a family. For me, as a person of faith, it is as natural as any other option.

Adoption, I anticipate that this word...this way of forming a family...this way of thinking theologically.

As a sidenote, I am not always this heady, trust me, this is just a comment, a rant...whatever...that I needed to get out first...so I can move on to further reflections.

Feb 27 2006

We are several months into the process of adopting our first child who is to be from Vietnam. Anyone else going through this process is welcome to respond, whine, wait, suggest, support, share joy or sorrow, pray, or talk about the finances of it all.

We are at the stage where we are just far enough in to not turn our backs and we are not far enough along to get too excited. Our I-600A has been sent, although I think with the wrong documentation. So I am sure to see it again in the mail this week. We are feverishly collecting documents for the dossier and the home study (starting tomorrow). Thank goodness we have friends who are notaries. Next week we start on our vaccinations typhoid, hep a and hep b oh my!!!! At least I will be immune to almost everything in the world. Then onto the doctor for medical tests and lots more paper work. If you have been there you know how it goes. It really is not too difficult just lots of forms and signatures and promising your left kidney and things like that!!! It is all well worth it though to get the call saying we have a referral for you. What joy that must be like. Oh yeah I forgot I found out I am not a Criminal this week, nor is my spouse. IT really is fun to background check yourself.

We will keep you informed as we prayerfully wait for our little bundle of joy. Oh what a journey it will be in the famous words of the great philosopher, Dr. Seuss "Oh the places you'll go"....

Summer