In the Simpsons episode "When Flanders Failed." Lisa accuses Homer of feeling schadenfreude when Homer gloats about Ned Flanders being on the verge of bankruptcy. Lisa asks Homer, "Dad, do you know what Schadenfreude is?", to which Homer replies in a sarcastic tone, "No, I do not know what Schadenfreude is. Please tell me because I'm dying to know." Lisa then explains "It's a German term for shameful joy, taking pleasure in the suffering of others." Homer responds with "Oh, come on, Lisa. I'm just glad to see him fall flat on his butt! He's usually all happy and comfortable, and surrounded by loved ones, and it makes me feel...what's the opposite of that shameful joy thing of yours?" "Sour grapes." "Boy, those Germans have a word for everything."
Sorry, I need the humor. It allows me to enter a time of confession. I have thought long and hard as to who could be my confessor...a blog is easier because it doesn't ask questions back. (I am also not worried about too many people responding to this post, thus my confessor is little more than my own echo...not ultimately what I desire, but the only voice I can stand on this matter at this time. Still, if you have a response, my ears know they need to hear it!) I confess that I have come to the realization or at least the concern that I might be guilty of schadenfreude, taking pleasure in other people's misfortune. My joy over Sophie stands as a dialectic (thank you Mr. Hegel). I wrestle with the fact that over the last few weeks I have enjoyed the greatest pleasure I have ever experienced in my life while pushing to the fringes of my conscience the reality that my joy is the result of one woman's loss...one woman's situation in life...a country's social/economic environment (noting that that situation is in some part the result of American involvement...before I was even born). In short, I have a child because someone else doesn't or can't.
We know very little about the circumstances of Sophie's birth and subsequent arrival at the orphanage. We may never know these circumstances. Of course I could imagine that we are the lucky parents who just happen to come across a baby floating in the bullrushes. Still, the reality might be far from idyllic.
For every story that ends "and they lived happily ever after," another person's story moves from fairy tale to nightmare. In the dialectic, I now want synthesis. I want to be able to exist with the great joy over "my Sophie," while holding within me, always, the fact that she was once, "someone else's Sophie." Simply put, how does one pray in one voice with great joy and great sorrow, sacrificing neither...keeping both in tension. (See this is why I need to voice this confession...if you can call it that...to a proper confessor and not a blog).
My mind wanders and wonders, is all joy just the opposite side of some cosmic coin...the shadow side being pain? I worry am I still ethical...is it better to take an orphan or work to resolve the circumstances that, well, give birth to orphans? (Off the top of my head this is probably a false question...the answer lies in not answering either, but seeking the middle.)
6 comments:
Wow, I understand where you are coming from. It is hard to want something so badly and know that the only way that can come true is with someone elses loss. I wish I had that one word, phrase or statment to ease your pain and confusion and frustration. I am sorry I do not. Perhaps knowing that Sopie will be cared for and loved by you and your family will ease your heart and mind. Sorry again. :(
I don't have the answer but I can share a story. I know a lady who adopted from Romainia (years ago) and she said when she met the birth family they hugged her and said "thank you for loving this child and giving her a better opportunity" I think that as parents we want the "better opportuities" for our children.
You are doing the right thing and I feel that God and Sophie's guardian angel is smileing with you.
Sherry
You put all my thoughts into words and on to "paper". I continue to feel guilty about being so impatient at waiting to get a referral. Getting a referral means that some birthmom out there has had to give up her child.
Hopefully the answer will come and we will both feel some peace.
One thing we can know is that we are not knocking at this birthmom's door and putting a knife to her back making her give up her child, she is making this decision before we are in the picture. She is choosing for her child to have a better life than she can give.
Kathy R.
Thanks for you heartfelt comments, prayers, thoughts, etc. I guess the nagging thing for me is that I am particularly conscious of the fact that no ethic gets to be privatized and truely be called an ethic. It has to exceed the personal, the private. So, while I know that I am in no way forcing a mother to give up a child (directly). I still cannot help wondering what in my being a part of the land of plenty...way to plenty caused someone else to go without. Resources are finite, how has my lifestyle hurt someone else...is there a trickle down until the point Sophie's birthmom was put in such a position. The old Asian notion does the flapping of a butterfly's wings lead to a Tsunami. Is life really that connected? And maybe the answer is to allow a place within me to never quite "get over" this feeling. Maybe, there is a greater ethic and lesson for me to learn as well as Sophie. A sort of thankfulness and joy that is tempered by not allowing a boundless joy until the lowest in society can stand where I stand, can feel where I feel. Dr. King's notion of we can stand no higher than the lowest of our brothers and sisters?! I figured that my question was sort of a false one? The answer lays in not answering...or the answer is found in experiencing. Thanks for the comments...thanks for serving as confessors of sorts (funny, I am UMC not RC). Much appreciated!
Chris-
I absolutely and utterly understand both your post and your comment....As we were on vacation this week, I was thinking about posting something so similar. I have done a lot of thinking about when people either think you are crazy for adopting or think you are some kind of saint......for the people in the saint category, I often wonder if they realize that many, many of the children that are being adopted are not literally orphans, but children of families too poor to care for them, and that in fact many of the countries that have so many "orphans" because of actions or inactions on our part....that in fact our lifestyle enables the need for adoption. I have been thinking about the fact that while the Father considers adoption an equally valid way to form a family....adoption is not the cure, but more of a stop-gap measure to stem the bleeding.....
What then is the answer....more questions.....
Mom23 and others...I will probably blog on this next week, but the skewed notion of "blessed." I feel a certain sort of awkwardness or theological inappropriateness about saying Sophie is blessed...not that she isn't. However, to say that she is blessed or chosen by God is to say in the same voice some other child is cursed or not chosen by God which is theologically incorrect. Not sure what I should say, but your post got me thinking about it.
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