Accepting the Unexpected

I think Chris and I are finally finished feeling a little sorry for ourselves. We were so excited to travel on Sept 13, but then when it got moved to Sept 26 we felt let down. Yes, we are still going to get our daughter and yes it is only two weeks. But we felt the air fall out of our sails just a little bit. Some days it seems like we are so close and then again so far away. But I am startig to get excited about hte baby showers we will be having starting 2 weekends from now. My mom calls everyday to update me on the nursery she is sewing. I am looking forward to seeing Miss Sophie regardless of when I get there. It just leaves us in that vulnerable position for two extra weeks wondering hey when can we go get our little girl.

I think of her constantly and look at her picture constantly. Right now I remind myself to stay ahead at work. Keep up all my notes, and keep things running smoothly prior to my leaving so I can feel good about work when I leave. I also am trying to keep the house looking decent and get things baby proof including the dogs (aka current two babies).

The one thing I cannot do is dream about Sophie. Before we knew who she was or that she was a she I dreamed about the adoption and getting the referral, but now I don't dream of it anymore. I will leave that one up to Freud.

I think I will go to a couple of consignment sales this weekend just to see what they have. Then we are having showers the next weekend and then it is just one more weeknd until we leave. I will be so thankful. My next major to do is to get her a giving and receiving outfit. We have looked around some but Fall clothes are out around here now and they will be too warm for Vietnam. I am going to look at the consignment sales. We don't want anything fancy just in case birth families are there because I think t is very inconsiderate to buy a dress that possibly cost more than they will make next month. We have discussed this at length something sweet and simple.

I am really just ramblign tonight because I felt I needed to talk about Sophie.

Sophie. I Love You. I guess you are probably up right now working on a new day just as dad and I get ready to go to bed. It won't be too much longer now. I continue to pray for you everyday. I will send kisses on the moon your way. Love Mom

Schadenfreude

In the Simpsons episode "When Flanders Failed." Lisa accuses Homer of feeling schadenfreude when Homer gloats about Ned Flanders being on the verge of bankruptcy. Lisa asks Homer, "Dad, do you know what Schadenfreude is?", to which Homer replies in a sarcastic tone, "No, I do not know what Schadenfreude is. Please tell me because I'm dying to know." Lisa then explains "It's a German term for shameful joy, taking pleasure in the suffering of others." Homer responds with "Oh, come on, Lisa. I'm just glad to see him fall flat on his butt! He's usually all happy and comfortable, and surrounded by loved ones, and it makes me feel...what's the opposite of that shameful joy thing of yours?" "Sour grapes." "Boy, those Germans have a word for everything."

Sorry, I need the humor. It allows me to enter a time of confession. I have thought long and hard as to who could be my confessor...a blog is easier because it doesn't ask questions back. (I am also not worried about too many people responding to this post, thus my confessor is little more than my own echo...not ultimately what I desire, but the only voice I can stand on this matter at this time. Still, if you have a response, my ears know they need to hear it!) I confess that I have come to the realization or at least the concern that I might be guilty of schadenfreude, taking pleasure in other people's misfortune. My joy over Sophie stands as a dialectic (thank you Mr. Hegel). I wrestle with the fact that over the last few weeks I have enjoyed the greatest pleasure I have ever experienced in my life while pushing to the fringes of my conscience the reality that my joy is the result of one woman's loss...one woman's situation in life...a country's social/economic environment (noting that that situation is in some part the result of American involvement...before I was even born). In short, I have a child because someone else doesn't or can't.

We know very little about the circumstances of Sophie's birth and subsequent arrival at the orphanage. We may never know these circumstances. Of course I could imagine that we are the lucky parents who just happen to come across a baby floating in the bullrushes. Still, the reality might be far from idyllic.

For every story that ends "and they lived happily ever after," another person's story moves from fairy tale to nightmare. In the dialectic, I now want synthesis. I want to be able to exist with the great joy over "my Sophie," while holding within me, always, the fact that she was once, "someone else's Sophie." Simply put, how does one pray in one voice with great joy and great sorrow, sacrificing neither...keeping both in tension. (See this is why I need to voice this confession...if you can call it that...to a proper confessor and not a blog).

My mind wanders and wonders, is all joy just the opposite side of some cosmic coin...the shadow side being pain? I worry am I still ethical...is it better to take an orphan or work to resolve the circumstances that, well, give birth to orphans? (Off the top of my head this is probably a false question...the answer lies in not answering either, but seeking the middle.)