On Dark Moods, the Ability Lost, and Hell

Jean-Paul Sartre once said that "Hell is other people." He captures that Hell in his work No Exit. (A classic and a must read, that is why I linked it!) I find myself in a dark place this evening...a fearful place...a place where Hell is other people. I don't even have the heart to mount a satirical rant about beauracracy and red tape. Eventhough, I found out today that I will have to wait until the end of September to go pick up my Sophie. I am cheered by the realization that I still get to make the trip. Though...the wait has shaken me to the core of my being. Already, one family has lost a child because the birth family took the child back. (I am hard pressed to know how to pray for that situation, while I feel deeply for the adopting family, if for no other reason than I worry I may find myself in their position, who could fault me for not rejoicing that the child is again with the birth family.) I want to be with Sophie now and no amount of distraction, coping, or kind words can shake that thought. This bothers me greatly, the fact I cannot distract myself. I have had the curse or the ability (depending on how you look at it) since I was a kid to shut off all feelings and thoughts about any person I choose (a defense mechanism, I didn't ask for it, I had to develop it or die). I can...or should I say I could...do this with all the mental focus that it takes most people to decide what they will have for dinner. It works rather like turning on or off the proverbial light switch. With a flick of this switch, I can stop feeling...sad I guess in a way. This isn't male bravado, its the truth. I can do it with the wife (though less than when we first started dating), the sister, the mom, the dad...you get the picture. Ok readers, now you know why I never look or act stressed. This is not repression...because I eventually have to turn the switch back on...then the light...or the person...or the feelings...well, they flood back. Today, I realize that I no longer have this "ability," put more positively, I no longer have this curse...at least not with one little girl. I go to flick the switch in my mind and little fingers push the switch back on. I go to turn it off, and little hands grab my arm and pull my hand a way from it. I don't even want to reach for it anymore...I just want to hold the little hand that keeps grabbing mine. I'm going to quit typing now, small hands keep pulling at my shirt...grabbing my wrist...pulling me away to some other pursuit. So, I find myself praying...but, I have no words...I have reached that point that St. Paul talked about...where the spirit prays within a person in groans that we can't understand. Groans but, I need words! Yet how do I find them? Help! There is one hope, art! For me art is an escape, it is a way for me to express the few things in life that I can't find words for...the honest truth is I rarely am speechless... I often have a speech when modesty and humility calls me to simply say, "I am speechless." Up until Sophie, the only time I gave myself to art was in preparation for VBS because for me when I am painting or drawing there is always some agonizing moment, even if it lasts but for a minute, when I think about how my best sketches when I first started drawing came during times of great duress, agony, or anxiety. Rarely does the art from those days literally express my emotions. The giveaway is in how detailed I make the piece! The more detail, the more I was trying to focus on the paper to avoid focusing on something else. Nowadays these moments come and go quickly and I focus on the fact that what I am doing will make someone else's day...other people's joy becomes my joy, then I am joyful. Enough streams of consciousness, Hell is other people. I don't know if this works philosophically without coming off as sounding wrong. I find myself in hell due to my deep love for my baby daughter. I find myself in agony wanting to be near her! Yet, the hell of it is...like in Sartre's play...is that I wouldn't trade anything to relieve myself. Suffering is a sign of love...OK, that works...it at least jives with the New Testament. I wouldn't trade anything or take anything for the realization today of how deeply in love I am with a child I have not even met yet! May God have mercy on me...may the days pass fast now! And when she is here in my arms may minutes be eternities.

Part Prayer/Part Post

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I haven't met you yet, yet I miss you already. Know that you are all I am able to think about, and I am able to think about much. I have had visions of you since your mother first gave breath to the notion of you. I have sought you in my mind, bringing you to rest in my heart. A heart that didn't know it had such depths until it held you. No arms holding you will satisfy me, no arms short of mine. Short is the distance between your heart and mine, but long is the distance that now stands between us. I don't know what the future holds...I only with fear and trembling know the one who holds the future in his hands. For now you'll have to sleep in his hands. May angels speed me to you. May angels surround you. May angels surround me. Goodnight Sophie. Amen.

Unexpected Delays

Oh well, I got a call today informing me that we would have to postpone travel for about two weeks. So we will change our flights for the last week in September. Obvioulsy it was a bummer on the day but I am trying to look at the bright side. I know that there is a reason for the wait so I am okay with that. I also feel like hey now we can get a little more ready. Although, I would go to get her ready or not. I am looking forward to getting the house clean and ready, getting the nursery ready, celebrating her arrival with my family and church through the showers. I was looking forward to meeting her earlier than expected but I will just have to look forward to meeting her as soon as I possibly can.

It does put doubt into your mind when things like this arise. Like is somehting going to go horribly wrong? Am I willing something to go horribly wrong by having those thoughts? I just now know I cannot wait for Sept 27th ish to get on a plane a get my baby girl.

So tonight Sophie, I am sorry for the delay, but just be patient. We are working very hard to do the right things to come and bring you home. Sleep tight little one knowing that we are on our way we have just been a little delayed. We love you more and more everyday and cannot wait to see your sweet little face. The whole family prays nightly for your homecoming. Your daddy was heart broken today learnign that he must wait two more weeks to see your precious face. Don't worry we are using our extended time to get everything ready for you at home. We are so looking forward to the day that we will get to hold you. I love you Love Mom

Unexpected Travel

As I am sitting here I should be getting ready for work, but since Monday afternoon I have been unable to think about work. I was leaving work on Monday and just before I left I went to check my work email account where low and behold there was an email that had the subject line travel dates and was from the right person. I opened it up excitedly and it said you need to be in Vietnam on or before Sept 17. Oh my gosh, we had not planned on leaving until at least the end of September. We had some showers planned, but they can be postponed. Chris experienced the baby store yesterday when he went off to buy diapers, bottles and onsies so we have some things to take when we go get Sophie.

I was actually cool with this part of the wait. Not that I do not want to go and get my daughter, but after the referral came I knew that there was an end in sight. We have a few things to do around the house and we where planning on showers, buying a few things ourselves ect mostly on the weekend of the 16 and 17. Now all that has changed and we have gone into hyperdrive. I find myself constantly starring at her picture and thinking wow in just a little over two weeks I am going to be holding her.

I also want to say to Sophie...
Mom and Dad pray for you everynight. I say a simple prayer before I go to bed everynight and when I awaken every morning. God, tell Sophie she is loved, give her people now who will care for her, keep her safe and healthy, and let us get to her soon.
Baby girl I love and this entire extended family loves you. Grandma, Nana and Paw-Paw, Aunt Carrie and Uncle John, Aunt Missy and Uncle Craig, all your cousins and other relations are praying for you and they love you too. It is amazing to me that in two weeks I will get to hold you and smell you and feed you and bring you to my home and love you forever. I am so excited to be meeting you. You are my sunshine... Love Mom