Update

Well, I am having a bit of insomnia so I am sitting at the computer updating. Check out the new slide show. Isn't she beautiful.

Both her and daddy have had a stomach thing this week but are now starting to feel better.

I have to admit even with sleepless nights, illness, throw up, diapers diapers and more diapers, motherhood is wonderful.

How is it we fall in love with our children so easily? We got some of the funniest pictures of Sophie yet today. She had taken a long nap and when she got up her hair was literally sticking up all over her head. It was so funny.

I really don't know what we did before we had Sophie? Did we do anything? She woke up tonight which I knew she would because she ate poorly at her last bottle. I love those momnets though when I am holding her at night and she goes back to sleep so peacefully. I can really tell a change in her over the past few weeks in regards to bonding. She is really starting to melt into us and snuggle. I cannot imagine any sweeter moments than when your child smiles at you or laughs with you are kisses you.

On another note we watched most of Baby Einstein's first signs today. I know it is so the "in thing" to do, but in my research of the subject OT's like it. Generally as a profession we love development and are usually right about these things. I did get tickled at myself though and thought of the circle of trust and Meet the Fockers when the sign for milk came up.


Well I am off to count sheep....

Summer

Food for thought

I often read these posts and I do think it is a good idea that we pray for each other. I think it is good to ask for prayer. I have however been trying to focus on the bigger things in my personal prayer life. I have a horrible cold right now and although prayer is nice for that I will survive it any way and be none the worse off having built immunity to a new strain of the cold virus. So I have been thinking why is it that we as Christians often ask for prayer for trivial things? I am not pointing fingers I do it myself. And I often feel my prayer requests become selfish and self centered rather than looking at the big world I turn to my own small world and focus on it. Yes I believe that God listens to every prayer and that thank goodness He is big enough to listen and respond to them all. I however, am doing my yearly spiritual exploration as we are about to start the Lenten Season. I think of those 40 days in the desert and of how Christ may have spoken to his Father in heaven and what the conversations were like. I just think that I would want my conversation with God to look more like that. So this week my prayers have focused on a report I watched about a week ago on the sex trade in Asia. It focused mostly on Cambodia but the girls were from surrounding countries including my daughter’s home country Vietnam. It saddens me to think of people buying little girls for sex. I think God wants me to get angry about that and I have been angry in my prayer. I also have asked that God have mercy on the people that sale and buy sex from these beautiful little children. I pity them and pity the sickness that makes them commit these atrocities. I also pray that justice is handed out to them. I don't think that forgiveness comes without justice and that they should be punished for committing these horrible acts. I also pray for the safety of all of the children. I thought to myself that little girl could just as easily been my little girl. Why did she get to come home to a safe place with me while those girls will go onto lead the life that is handed to them by the hands of very sick and twisted individuals? I often have a hard time reconciling the dichotomy of the two situations the one of my daughter and the one of girls being sold or the dichotomy of those in VN who live in utter poverty while I enjoy the finer things of life. Then I have said what else can I do to help? Right now I don't know that answer. To do that we would have to fix the problem of poverty in Asia, which is what drives this industry. We can start by lobbying our government to strongly prosecute Americans that go there to buy sex from children and send a clear message that we will not tolerate persons using any child of God in that fashion. We can support orphanages to help keep the children in a safe environment and drive our monetary support of the orphanages to include certain things we won't tolerate like selling children. We can show our support by trying to buy only fair trade items to ensure as our large corporations get larger and richer that people in these Asian countries are not taken advantage by terrible working conditions and an unlivable wage. Just being American gives us power. Having money gives us power. And most importantly having Christ gives us power. We should be compelled by the great commandment to use that power and change the world not just the world around us. God is big enough and I wonder am I? I adopted my daughter to change my life and make my family. Falling in love with her people has compelled me that just changing my life is not enough. As you can tell I have thought about this alot. I wish to challenge you to look inside and open your eyes to a world of hurt this Lenten Season and to do something. I extend this challenge equally to myself. I have a shirt that says "you have one life do something" So please pray for every child I saw on TV being used as a commodity. Pray for all of the people in this world that truly hurt. I say praise to God that it was not my Sophie I saw on TV and I say thank you to God for all I have. Please, help me to be content with this and not want for more than my share because I already have more than my share.
Summer, Mom to Sophie

Sleep how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I have decided that motherhood can sometimes feel like bootcamp. Sophie had her first real bought with illness this past week when she ran a very high fever for several days. This meant many sleepless nights, lots of motrin and tylenol and two visits to the doctor.

I have come to understand the true meaning of sleep deprevation. From Wed night of last week to Wed morning of this week I can count on two hands how many hours of sleep I got. I know what prisoners of war must feel like. After two days without sleep it is hard just to think mush less not overdose your child on fever reducers. I got up one time to make a bottle and forgot to put the liner in the bottle and poured 6 oz of formula onto the counter. I woke up one time dreaming I had left the baby on the changing table (I never did this only dreamed it) only to rush in and find her safe and sound. I then overslept on Friday morning and arrived late for work. By over sleeping I am saying that I accidentally feel asleep at 530 am and did not get up until 745 which meant I got three instead of one hours of sleep. I swear if you had interrogated me at that time I would have told you anything if you would just let me sleep. Yet I went to work and it was all a blur. I then worked third shift over the weekend with Chris taking morning shift long enough for me to get a few hours of sleep. I am still reeling from the sleep deprivation and would do anything to go into a coma for a few days.

However, I am happy to say baby girl is feeling better and is now back to her happy self. She even said ma ma ma tonight without being angry. All in all said I would still love to get some sleep, but Sophie is worth every hour.

This post is dedicated to Sophie with love,
Your very sleepy ma ma ma ma....

Just an update

Well, life is back to normal and I am back at work. It is okay. I do really miss her during he day.

The Panda Bear is changing everyday. She is crawling, going from lying to sitting independently, eating lots of fruits and veggies, pulling up, getting teeth, trying to use the sippy cup, picking up objects with thumb and index finger, clapping, finding every electrical cord in our house, passing items from one hand to another, saying da da, no no, na na, ga ga, ma ma(only when she is really angry go figure), and laughing up a storm. Can you see the OT in me coming out? Oh yeah dad you might be right we may have a lefty on our hands!

We are having her baptism this Sunday which we are very excited about. Afterwards we are having a lunch for our friends and family.

I also just wated to let you know motherhood gets better everyday. I love it when it is my day to pick up at daycare. I go in and she sees me and laughs and gets to me as fast as possible. It feels so good that even though I am away during the day she still knows who I am. I am biased but she may be the most beautiful child ever. She is really getting at a very fun age of exploration and at an age where she is gaining some undersanding. It is so exciting to watch how she figures things out. We have a light in her crib that has a switch on it so that the light only stays on a few minutes before turning off. It is handy for night time wake ups and such. However it has a cover on it. She has figured out how to open the cover and turn the light on. I got up one night to check on her becasue she was cryig and there she was on her knees at the light with it turned on. She can also turn on the sound system and her dad's x box.

Night night
Summer

Motherhood

I have discovered several things in my journey to motherhood.....

I love being a mom

I never knew I could get so attatched to Sophie so quickly

I never knew I would get so excited about a first meal of bannanas (which she hates) or a second of apples which she loves would be so much fun

I never knew how fascinating watching a child learn to crawl could be

I never knew hearing my child laugh and giggle could make me so happy

I never knew how I will sometimes hold her for many more minutes than she needs when she has fallen asleep just so I can cuddle her and soak of the sweetness of my child

I never called anyone daughter and I like saying that

Babies feet can stink really bad!!!

I never knew one child could have so many clothes (she grows out of stuff faster than she can wear it thanks to the generosity of my family and church family)

I don't care what people say I know you go through alot of wipes but it will take us a little while to get through 8000!!!!

I never knew babies grew overnight (literally)

I have witnessed my child (who must be going through a growth spurt) drink and eat her current body wieght!!!

I don't mind getting out of bed on Sat morning at 6 am if she is awake and although it is still hard to get up I ook forward to finding her in her crib smiling at me

I knew but had not experienced the time warp that takes over when you have to take a baby with you and all the stuff they require.

I never really thought about having to use the bathroom if you are by yourself and driving and you have to stop at a gas station. That I would have to lug her into the stall with me and laugh at her as she stares at me while I pee!!!!

I never knew so much trash could be generated by such small person

I did not used to warm my car up for a long enough period of time for it to actually get warm before I went somewhere before Sophie.

I never knew my husband would be this great a father (even if he does not know how to make cereal bottles). I mean I knew he had the skill for it but he even does good changing #2 diapers and before Sophie sometimes jus the smell of the trash as he was taking it out would make him gag.

I learned that I think she is adorable even when she is pitching a fit

I love my family even more as they are such a good supprot to Chris, Sophie and me.

I am so thankful for family medical leave even if I don't get paid my full check

I now understand thinking did she get enough pee on that to warrent changing the whole outfit

I never knew I would handle boogers this well

I have learned to eat one handed with a child grabbing at my food

I have learned that it is good advice to always have the clean diaper ready during changes (even for a girl)

I learned that bath time is fun

I learned that my heart melts when she looks at me and acknowleges now that hey I am that woman that takes care of her and that man with the deep voice does too.

I learned that you should alwyas turn the baby monitor off when you have company if you don't want them to hear conversations in the nursery

I am surprised that sitting on a floor all day watching a child play is not so boring after all

I hate washing bottles

I don't get to attached to any outfit I put on in the morning becasue one of several things may require a change including a code yellow, a code brown, a code snot, a code spitup and that on top of that spit stains are a great accessory to any or all of your shirts

I never knew my house was such a death trap!!!!

Why does everything we put a baby require confinment? I know the answer is safety, but they really don't like it

I still don't like to do our laundry , but I like doing her laundry

Time flies

I vaccum the living room everyday and sometimes twice a day

Overall, as I end my time to leave and I transition Sophie to daycare (which will no doubt bother me more than her) I have thought alot about how your perspective really does change with parent hood. I hate to have the day when she maybe takes her first step and I am at work. But I do have to provide things such as food and healthcare for her. So I found someone who would love her when I am working to provide what she needs.

I cannot wait to see her develop but in many ways it is sad because she is growing and changing everyday and somedays you wish you could just stop time and stay in a moment of sweet babyness forever. However I also want her to grow strong and develop and become a sweet little toddler that reaks havoc on the dogs and the house and then grow up to go to school and learn and become a little girl then a young lady then a woman.

I cannot wait to watch the flower unfold and see what hidden talents and surprises she has in store for me. She is already teaching me to be a mom and I hope I am at the high end of the learning curve.

I really do dig this motherhood thing and as far as the baby stage goes I feel I am getting better at it day by day. I really do like this job. The pay sucks, the hours are horrible, working 1,2 ,3 shift is sometimes diffuclt, it has great responsibility, but even greater rewards.

So Sophie when you read this one day know how much your mother loves and cherishes you and how much I enjoy watching you become you day by day. I love your baby stage and I look forward to the next stage.


They didn't have you where I come from. The best of life was yet to come. My life began when I saw your face. Your laughter is my serenade. How long do you want to be loved? Is forever enough? Is forever enough? How long do you want to be loved? Is forever enough? Cause I'm never ever giving you up.

Love you
Sophie
Sophie Ruth
Ruthie
Rufus (blame your dad for this one) {sorry but when you live in this house
Sophie Bear you will have a thousand nicknames}
Baby Bear

Getting Settled

Well we have been home a week and two days and life is just getting better. Sophie is still as wonderful as the day we meet and actually more so. She has had a big week. Her Grandma was here with us until Thursday, her Aunt Carrie and Uncle John came to visit and brought her some toys, and she had a full day out on Sunday meeting her great great grandmother (Granny T), her Great Uncle and Aunt Greg and Angela and her Cousins Carley and Lance, her good friend and surrogate gandmother Jackie, and then spent some time with Nana, PawPaw and the Shorts. She went on her first hay ride and got her first pumpkin.

At the pumpkin patch she had to go number two and did it all over herself so we had to do an open air cleaning and while we were changing her on a pallet made for pumpkins she discovered pine needles and covered herself in them!!

She has dicvoered her toungue and sticks it out at every possibility, she has dicovered laughter and gets her self so tickled she can hardly breath, she sat up yesterday after some help from mom and held herself up for about five minutes. She is going to be sitting up soon. This is good because she is nosey and she can position herself so she can see what is going on. I put together a string of alphabet letters yesterday for her to play with and she loves them. She sucked on them mostly but she entertained herself for a good 30 minutes with them.

It is just amazing how quickly children develope. It is so much fun wathcing her learn new things everyday. Although I love Chris very much and could not ask for a better husband and could not ask to feel more love for my husband. I could never fully imagine the love I feel for Sophie. She is so amazing and precious and I cannot wait to see the new things she learns everyday and the new things I am taught by her everday. Just seeing her smile and hearing her laugh makes the day. She truely is a gift that we have been given charge of and I only hope everyday I am doing the things that will help her be the best person she an be.

I have to go now as i is bottle time. Daddy is home with us todya but he has to run a few errands.

Love From 2874
Summer

At Last

Well we have come a long way baby. We are home with Sophie!! She is doing well. First I will give you the down low on hte trip home. We left Vietnam on Sat after finishing some shopping, and going to a Water Puppet show on Friday night. It was incredible. We walked fromt he lake to our hotle and commenced packing.

Saturday we flew from Hanoi to Taipei and then from Taipei to LAX. We got lucky and the bassinett and bulkhead were avaliable afterall and it was a God send as Sophie slept alot in the bassinett. Then we got to LA where the fun begins. I thinkthe entire country of the Phillipins deboarded just before us and all had immigrant visas to process and the only line open for doing this had two men working in it. We had a 2 and half hour layover and spent two hours of that in immigration. So we got our bags and went through customs then jogged as well as you can with 3 bags, 4 carryons, and a baby strapped to you to terminal 1 (5 terminals away) to geton our flight. We rechecked our bags just to find out that there were not two seats together. Sophie is starving, and we get to security they catch us in the random screen. I had to take Sophie out of the bjorn and they took the bottle of water I was going to make her bottle with. We geton the plane two seconds before the door closes and ask the flight attnedants to help us find a seat together. Finally a nice gentleman helped us out. We sat down for the flight ans Sophie is licking and sucking my face becsue she is so hungry and we just did not have time to do the bottle thing before the flight and now we had no water. So of course at take off she starts screaming like a banchee on a red eye flight. This lady in front of us turns around and says you might want to try a bottle or a passy. Duh, but Sophie will not take a passy and we no longer had any water to mix a bottle. So I told Sophie to scream louder!!! Finally the flight attendant is able to get us some water and that calmed the angery bear and she slept most of that flight.

We were recieved at the airport by my parents, Chris, mom and my sister Missy andher Husband and three children. We had breakfast together at the Cracker Barrel and were glad to be in out of the 40 degree temps which shocked both us and Sophie on arrival. It was a wonderful homecoming.

The church had decorated our house with pink ribbons and they hung a welcome home sign done by the children after we got home. My neice Molly also made us a beautiful welcome home sign that she brought to the airport. We also brought Nancy home with us for a few days to get readjusted.

Now we are home and Chris has Ho Chi Minh's revenge so he may go to the doctor before Sophie. We are doign well. Sophie slept on a normal (that is NC time schedule the first night), but has been adjusting the last two nights to NC time. But she is doing well and is trying her best to adjust and be the happy baby she is. She is just so wonderful and I love having her in our home and in her room. Which my mother finished while we were away and it is so beautiful. I cried when I first saw it. Sophie usually pulls at the bumper pads at night and we often find her on her side hugging them in the morning. She loves the birght red which is stimulating to her when she is awake. She has switched formulas without problem. We mixed half and half the first day and I have to tell you it did not smell good and she did not tale it well. So the next day we just used the formula we were goignto put her on by itself and she seems to be doing well.

As for motherhood. I love it. I really don't mind the fact that I sleep four hours at a time and sometimes four hours total. I love feeding her and holding her and cuddlign her. My favorite time is when you just get her to sleep and she lays so soft and gantly agianst you falling into you and sleeping so peacefully. I also love the time when she wakes up for the seond time. I say it is her second wake up becasue she usually wakes around 4 for a bottle then she wakes up around 6 and this seond wake up is wonderful she is looking for Chris and I and then when she finds us she gives a big morning smile. Then she plays for a while but is still in that sweet cuddly mood not quite awake yet. I know alot of people have different bonding experiences with their children and Sophie has taken her time to get used to us and be a cuddle bug, but she has and I have felt in love with her from day one. I wake up wanting to check on her and go to sleep wanting to check on her. She is so absolutely amazing. She has her own liitle personality and can give a good stink eye when she is not happy with me or her father. She has changed so much just since we first meet. Her head controlis great now, she can turn to her stomach, she can propr herself into sitting for about 1 minute before toppling over, she is growing hair.... I could go on and on. It seems that she does new things everyday and it is like watching a flower unfold in slow motion. I am going to cherish this time off work and cannot wait to see what the next how many ever years have in store for us.

So for now I will leave it at that. We are continually amazed by her and hope to be amazed for the rest of our lives by her.

Love From NC
Summer

On our way home, Maybe?

We had our second interview today and will return to the Embassy tomorrow hopefully with a visa in hand. We are going ot try to fly out on Sunday if everything falls into place and we will be home Monday morning.

Sophie is back to being healthy, knock on wood and hoepfully her scales will stay away this time.
We are eating dinner with the other families at a Italian restaurant (hopefully Hanoi Italaian is good).

Sophie is just a wonderful little girl and she has been so happy since we got her to feeling better. She is upstairs pooting and and smiling at her daddy right now. She is just amazing. We are so very blessed to have her. All the other babies have had their bought with minor illnesses and for once Sophie is the healthy one. Everyone is ready to come home. Although I must admit Chris and I leave with a bit of sorrow. Not that we have definite plans to leave yet. The country is so beatiful and the people are so warm and wonderful. We could not have asked for a better expereince ( minus the Scarlett Fever ordeal). We are really enjoying our time in Vietnam and have tried to take opportunities to learn about the people and the culture so we can share as much as we can with Sophie as she grows. I want her to know how much we enjoyed our time in the country and that she really has roots from a very special place full of people who love her. Everyday people on the streets come up to say congrats to us and pat her on the head or kiss her hand. They really love their children in this country. I have to admit at times an appetite has been hard to come by, but losing a few punds won't kill me. The food is good just very foreign and we usually eat breakfast, snack in our room and then have dinner. The hotel Guoman has taken us in like family often holding Sophie (sometimes when I don't want them to) so we can have a meal together, they know our names and ask if one of us is alone without the baby how she is doing. Sophie is in love with one of the doormen and coos and smiles at him every chance. The house keeping staff is wonderful. In fact one of the housekeepers brought us a stroller to use while in Vietnam. If you are going to be thousands of miles away from home this is a good place to land. I cannot express in words the warm recieption we have been given in this country. Considering that we are in the Northern part of Vietnam and the history between our two countries the people are some of the most friendly I have ever come across.

Well as we prepare to wind down our trip we plan to see the Water Puppets and maybe do a day tour to area attractions, but we will see what happens with our travel plans. We are going to do the last of our shopping tomorrow morning before going back to the embassy in the afternoon to finish up there.

It is with great anticipation (and fear of the long trip with baby) that we are able to start planning to come home, but also sorrow as we have a love for this counrty that will forever be a part of our lives. We cannot wait to bring Sophie home, but we are goingto make the best of the time we have left here.

With love from VN,
Summer

Feeling better and making plans

Well, I would say about 70% of Sophie is peeling off like a snake now so that means she is getting better. She has been much happier. We stayed int he room all day yesterday except dinner with another family at this great restraunt set ing th courtyard of an old buddhist temple. It was a great atmosphere and good food and Sophie slept the entire time. We don't have any plans for t0day offically but will probably ventrure into the old quarter for some more shopping and possible go to a place called Craftlink where local artisans gather to sell goods.

Sophie is adjusting so well. She is starting to nuzzle us and let us really cuddle her. In the beginning she was very resistant to that. She has started loooking for us when she wakes in the mornign for about 10 secs before she screams for her bottle. She is so beautiful crusties and all. By the way her face has cleared up tremendously and we are able to see our little girl once again. She talked for about an hour last night and she just smiles and laughs. Because she slept from 530-745 last night she did not want to go to bed. Eventually about 1100 she gave up the ghost, slept till 130, had a bottle, slept til 430 had a bottle, slept til 630 had a bottle and gave us a little treat by going back to sleep until 930 this morning!!! She seems to grow every day. It really is amazing how resiliant babies are. Please continue to pray for us that she stays well and that our last embassey interview goes well.

We have planned to tours with the other families. Since we are stuck in country and have become peasants living out of our hotel rooms we have decided before we all turn into the shinning we must do something. Chris and I joked that when we get home we are going to move all of our beds into one room, I will wash all of our clothes inthe kithcen sink, and we will buy an electric kettle and live off of Ramen Noodle and Easy Mac for the rest of our lives!! I am getitng good at this one room way of living I will at least have the perception that I live in a palace when I return. And I won't even have to pay every time I use the internet!!.

Life is good. God is Good all the time and all the time God is Good.

Live from my one room shack/shanty town,
Summer

Adeventures in VN part Duex

Well, as it turns out the rash was not harmless and was actully scarlett fever steaming from and infection in the bed sore on the back of her head. We had our first good scare as parents and took her back to the SOS international helath clinic where she saw an American Pediatrician from Duke, Dr. Melissa. Dr. Melissa was kind enought o call and check on her this morning. Oddly enough she never ran a fever the entire sickness. Now all the VN people think we let her get sunburnt as her skin will peel off which is normal with Scarlett fever. She is playing now and much happier with a few doeses of antibitotics which will continue.

We had our first interview with the Embassy yesterday and it was pretty painless. We won't be able to leave before next Thursday as the person who processes Visas will be out of the office until then. So we are looking at a week from Monday or Tuesday to return home to the US.

We have made good friends with the family in the hotel with us and have found a good little cafe that eat dinner at most nights.

All in all thigns are good now that our Sophie is feeling better. She looks crusty, but is at least happy again.

We can't wait to get home and see everyone. However, since we are going to be stuck here for a few more days we will take a few tours (don't worry we will make sure she is all the way better).

Love from Vietnam
and Sophie says Peace Out
Summer

Adventures in Vietnam

Well we are feeling a little more at home in our new surroundings. We know how to tget the the health clinic, because Sophie had her physical there and we had to take her yesterday and this morning becasue she has developed a skin rash. But the doctor said this morning it is nothing to worry about. They thought at first it might be an allergic reaction, but decided it was just a begnin rash that babies sometimes get. So we are venturing out this morning to do a little laundry and then plan on going to a lake nearby this afternoon to see a bridge and a pagaoda out on the lake. We have been going to the grocery store on a regular basis to buy water and such as it is much less expensive than at the hotel.

Sophie is still great. She has been a little fussy but we think she may be starting to teeth. She is trying so hard to roll over and she gets her self sideways in the little crib in our room at night. She is adjusting great to us and is starting to look for us when she wakes. She has learned that crying almost always gets a response so she does it sometimes just to see if we will jump and of course we say how high!! Her sore is getting better with regular bandage changes and she eats really good. I never could have phathomed the love you can have for a child. I don't even care when she wakes me out of a sound sleep and in fact I am happy to get up and tend to her. Chris is just wonderful with her as well. And she loves his deep voice. He tries to talk baby talk to her and she gives him the stink eye. But if he talks in a regular voice she is mesmerized. Also you all will get a laugh out of this she cries everytime I sing, but falls into a deep sleep when Chris sings!!!!

We have been hanging out with the other families quite a bit and ate dinner like real humnas last night at the restraunt.

You can check out more pics on photobucket.com. I am not sure what the name of the file is but when I find out I will post it on here.

Back to baby and laundry.

Summer

Sophie is Ours

We completed our adoption on the VN side on Sept 29, 2006 and have been enjoying our Miss Sophie since then.

She is so beautiful and so sweet. She had a bad night the second night with us and I guess she was just completely worn out because she slept for 12 hours last night, only waking for bottles.

She is such a good baby and for the most part easy except the second night in which she apparently did not like our choice of clothes for her and she cried like mad for two hours until we removed said clothing. She is a good eater, sleeper, burper, and really cries very little except for the necessities. She poots alot like her daddy!!!

She has not had any time on her stomach in the orphanage so we have been trying her on her stomach using our travel pillow and she seems to be tolerating it better. She let both of us for the first time last night hold her stomach to stomach while she slept.

I think we are bonding well she laughs at both our voices and tracks us around the room. The only time she is still a little unsure is when she first wakes up and she needs a little reassurring.

Last night I really was overwhelemed with emotion for her. She was a little fussy after her second bottle and did not want her crib so I held her stomach to stomach and she let me and nuzzled my neck and found her fingers and slept there sweetly for about two hours. I love the way she grabs for our hands now when we feed her and laughs at our silly baby noises. I am getting good enough sleep, but don't feel tired as somehow motherhood gives you energy. I feel like I could stay awake all night just watching her sleep.

She is not a passy baby. She liked it at first, but then not. We are teaching her to find her fingers and she is gettingthe hang of it.

The journey to her was very very very bumpy. The road was a one way for about 100 miles of the trip with oxen, water buffalo, motor bikes, bikes, and people all sharing the road without trying to kill each other. The orphange was clean and the caregivers very attentive to the children. Many of them became overwhelmed with emotion as they gave us our babies. The place was very clean and well kept and they helped us to learn our babies schedules and habits.

Our hotel is great and the staff are so wonderful with the babies. We are in the shopping area and have many little outdoor markets selling everything from bottled water to live frogs.

I need to go now and let Chris have a break.

Sophie is wonderfula nd she cannot wait to meet everyone.

Summer

Anticipation

Well we had our travel meeting, actually I had our travel meeting, but I told Chris I could do it so I am not complaning.

We had two showers and got lots of goodies. Now I just have to write thank you notes UGH!!!

I am packing and cleaning and procratinating cleaning, not that I have very long to procrastinate.

We are very excited and anticipation does not even begin to describe. We will have our Giving and Recieving either next Friday or the following Monday we are hoping for next Friday. We cannot wait to get Miss Sophie. It is like you walk around on a movie set all day and the world moves around you but you are just watching. It is surreal to think that in less than a week we will be in Vietnam and in less than two we will be parents for real, not just to a picture.

I am going to call my sister tomorrow night about some bottle boiling questions and other general baby stuff questions. Seeing as she will be delivering shortly after we arrive back in the US I am sure I will be calling her alot. I have my million and one to do list and am trying to get them done, but I think I need some ritalin as I find it hard to concentrate on anything for any amount on time (this s not unusual just worse).

You may not hear from me agian until Vietnam. So I will see you on the other side of the world.

Sophie it is so close now I cannot just about smell your baby sweetness. I will be there little girl in a few days to start a very important job of parenting you. You really are my sunshine. So I am sending you a kiss via overnight fedex since I should own stock in the company as we have paid single handedly for at least on advertisement. Stay sweet and warm and safe. It won't be long now. With great anticipation love MOM

Creation...

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2 weeks and counting

In two weeks from tomorrow we should be boardign a plane and flying to VN to pick up our Sophie.

I am starting to get excited all over again. I cannot believe it is now only really two weeks. We got our plane tickets today and there was a little oops our travel agent made her ticket out for Oct 4 and we fly out about two weeks later than that. He is going to fix it though.

I bought snacks at the grocery store to take with us and got her scripts from the doctor. I printed our travel insurance cards. I am starting to decide what to take and will order Chris some light weight pants. I cannot wait to go.

It is almost surreal as if I am walking around on a movie set and not actually living real life. I am trying to stay focused at work but admit I find it hard.

We spoke to the two other couples wha ar going with us and one of them is flying the same flight. We are meeting up with at least one of them to eat dinner on Firday night so that is exciting.

I thought when our travel got delayed that the two week mark would never get here, but it has. And although I think two days from now I could have been on a plane. I just hink now in two weeks I will get to meet my daughter. I daydream about how much she will weigh and how she will react to us. We both agree she will probably cry, but oh well it will help us to bond by comforting her.

I keep thinking there will be little presents under the tree for her this year and she willg etot celebrate Thanksgiving with us.

It seems to have taken forever to get to this point, but we (with any luck and a lot of prayer) are on the home stretch. It reminds of when I was a little girl and my parents used to say after a trip as we pulled in the drive "home again, home again jiggity jog".

Sophie soon we will be saying that with you. I love you baby girl and in two more weeks mom and dad will be coming to bring you home. I pray for you today that you are always comfortedby loving arms when you cry . Love you Mom

Accepting the Unexpected

I think Chris and I are finally finished feeling a little sorry for ourselves. We were so excited to travel on Sept 13, but then when it got moved to Sept 26 we felt let down. Yes, we are still going to get our daughter and yes it is only two weeks. But we felt the air fall out of our sails just a little bit. Some days it seems like we are so close and then again so far away. But I am startig to get excited about hte baby showers we will be having starting 2 weekends from now. My mom calls everyday to update me on the nursery she is sewing. I am looking forward to seeing Miss Sophie regardless of when I get there. It just leaves us in that vulnerable position for two extra weeks wondering hey when can we go get our little girl.

I think of her constantly and look at her picture constantly. Right now I remind myself to stay ahead at work. Keep up all my notes, and keep things running smoothly prior to my leaving so I can feel good about work when I leave. I also am trying to keep the house looking decent and get things baby proof including the dogs (aka current two babies).

The one thing I cannot do is dream about Sophie. Before we knew who she was or that she was a she I dreamed about the adoption and getting the referral, but now I don't dream of it anymore. I will leave that one up to Freud.

I think I will go to a couple of consignment sales this weekend just to see what they have. Then we are having showers the next weekend and then it is just one more weeknd until we leave. I will be so thankful. My next major to do is to get her a giving and receiving outfit. We have looked around some but Fall clothes are out around here now and they will be too warm for Vietnam. I am going to look at the consignment sales. We don't want anything fancy just in case birth families are there because I think t is very inconsiderate to buy a dress that possibly cost more than they will make next month. We have discussed this at length something sweet and simple.

I am really just ramblign tonight because I felt I needed to talk about Sophie.

Sophie. I Love You. I guess you are probably up right now working on a new day just as dad and I get ready to go to bed. It won't be too much longer now. I continue to pray for you everyday. I will send kisses on the moon your way. Love Mom

Schadenfreude

In the Simpsons episode "When Flanders Failed." Lisa accuses Homer of feeling schadenfreude when Homer gloats about Ned Flanders being on the verge of bankruptcy. Lisa asks Homer, "Dad, do you know what Schadenfreude is?", to which Homer replies in a sarcastic tone, "No, I do not know what Schadenfreude is. Please tell me because I'm dying to know." Lisa then explains "It's a German term for shameful joy, taking pleasure in the suffering of others." Homer responds with "Oh, come on, Lisa. I'm just glad to see him fall flat on his butt! He's usually all happy and comfortable, and surrounded by loved ones, and it makes me feel...what's the opposite of that shameful joy thing of yours?" "Sour grapes." "Boy, those Germans have a word for everything."

Sorry, I need the humor. It allows me to enter a time of confession. I have thought long and hard as to who could be my confessor...a blog is easier because it doesn't ask questions back. (I am also not worried about too many people responding to this post, thus my confessor is little more than my own echo...not ultimately what I desire, but the only voice I can stand on this matter at this time. Still, if you have a response, my ears know they need to hear it!) I confess that I have come to the realization or at least the concern that I might be guilty of schadenfreude, taking pleasure in other people's misfortune. My joy over Sophie stands as a dialectic (thank you Mr. Hegel). I wrestle with the fact that over the last few weeks I have enjoyed the greatest pleasure I have ever experienced in my life while pushing to the fringes of my conscience the reality that my joy is the result of one woman's loss...one woman's situation in life...a country's social/economic environment (noting that that situation is in some part the result of American involvement...before I was even born). In short, I have a child because someone else doesn't or can't.

We know very little about the circumstances of Sophie's birth and subsequent arrival at the orphanage. We may never know these circumstances. Of course I could imagine that we are the lucky parents who just happen to come across a baby floating in the bullrushes. Still, the reality might be far from idyllic.

For every story that ends "and they lived happily ever after," another person's story moves from fairy tale to nightmare. In the dialectic, I now want synthesis. I want to be able to exist with the great joy over "my Sophie," while holding within me, always, the fact that she was once, "someone else's Sophie." Simply put, how does one pray in one voice with great joy and great sorrow, sacrificing neither...keeping both in tension. (See this is why I need to voice this confession...if you can call it that...to a proper confessor and not a blog).

My mind wanders and wonders, is all joy just the opposite side of some cosmic coin...the shadow side being pain? I worry am I still ethical...is it better to take an orphan or work to resolve the circumstances that, well, give birth to orphans? (Off the top of my head this is probably a false question...the answer lies in not answering either, but seeking the middle.)

On Dark Moods, the Ability Lost, and Hell

Jean-Paul Sartre once said that "Hell is other people." He captures that Hell in his work No Exit. (A classic and a must read, that is why I linked it!) I find myself in a dark place this evening...a fearful place...a place where Hell is other people. I don't even have the heart to mount a satirical rant about beauracracy and red tape. Eventhough, I found out today that I will have to wait until the end of September to go pick up my Sophie. I am cheered by the realization that I still get to make the trip. Though...the wait has shaken me to the core of my being. Already, one family has lost a child because the birth family took the child back. (I am hard pressed to know how to pray for that situation, while I feel deeply for the adopting family, if for no other reason than I worry I may find myself in their position, who could fault me for not rejoicing that the child is again with the birth family.) I want to be with Sophie now and no amount of distraction, coping, or kind words can shake that thought. This bothers me greatly, the fact I cannot distract myself. I have had the curse or the ability (depending on how you look at it) since I was a kid to shut off all feelings and thoughts about any person I choose (a defense mechanism, I didn't ask for it, I had to develop it or die). I can...or should I say I could...do this with all the mental focus that it takes most people to decide what they will have for dinner. It works rather like turning on or off the proverbial light switch. With a flick of this switch, I can stop feeling...sad I guess in a way. This isn't male bravado, its the truth. I can do it with the wife (though less than when we first started dating), the sister, the mom, the dad...you get the picture. Ok readers, now you know why I never look or act stressed. This is not repression...because I eventually have to turn the switch back on...then the light...or the person...or the feelings...well, they flood back. Today, I realize that I no longer have this "ability," put more positively, I no longer have this curse...at least not with one little girl. I go to flick the switch in my mind and little fingers push the switch back on. I go to turn it off, and little hands grab my arm and pull my hand a way from it. I don't even want to reach for it anymore...I just want to hold the little hand that keeps grabbing mine. I'm going to quit typing now, small hands keep pulling at my shirt...grabbing my wrist...pulling me away to some other pursuit. So, I find myself praying...but, I have no words...I have reached that point that St. Paul talked about...where the spirit prays within a person in groans that we can't understand. Groans but, I need words! Yet how do I find them? Help! There is one hope, art! For me art is an escape, it is a way for me to express the few things in life that I can't find words for...the honest truth is I rarely am speechless... I often have a speech when modesty and humility calls me to simply say, "I am speechless." Up until Sophie, the only time I gave myself to art was in preparation for VBS because for me when I am painting or drawing there is always some agonizing moment, even if it lasts but for a minute, when I think about how my best sketches when I first started drawing came during times of great duress, agony, or anxiety. Rarely does the art from those days literally express my emotions. The giveaway is in how detailed I make the piece! The more detail, the more I was trying to focus on the paper to avoid focusing on something else. Nowadays these moments come and go quickly and I focus on the fact that what I am doing will make someone else's day...other people's joy becomes my joy, then I am joyful. Enough streams of consciousness, Hell is other people. I don't know if this works philosophically without coming off as sounding wrong. I find myself in hell due to my deep love for my baby daughter. I find myself in agony wanting to be near her! Yet, the hell of it is...like in Sartre's play...is that I wouldn't trade anything to relieve myself. Suffering is a sign of love...OK, that works...it at least jives with the New Testament. I wouldn't trade anything or take anything for the realization today of how deeply in love I am with a child I have not even met yet! May God have mercy on me...may the days pass fast now! And when she is here in my arms may minutes be eternities.

Part Prayer/Part Post

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I haven't met you yet, yet I miss you already. Know that you are all I am able to think about, and I am able to think about much. I have had visions of you since your mother first gave breath to the notion of you. I have sought you in my mind, bringing you to rest in my heart. A heart that didn't know it had such depths until it held you. No arms holding you will satisfy me, no arms short of mine. Short is the distance between your heart and mine, but long is the distance that now stands between us. I don't know what the future holds...I only with fear and trembling know the one who holds the future in his hands. For now you'll have to sleep in his hands. May angels speed me to you. May angels surround you. May angels surround me. Goodnight Sophie. Amen.

Unexpected Delays

Oh well, I got a call today informing me that we would have to postpone travel for about two weeks. So we will change our flights for the last week in September. Obvioulsy it was a bummer on the day but I am trying to look at the bright side. I know that there is a reason for the wait so I am okay with that. I also feel like hey now we can get a little more ready. Although, I would go to get her ready or not. I am looking forward to getting the house clean and ready, getting the nursery ready, celebrating her arrival with my family and church through the showers. I was looking forward to meeting her earlier than expected but I will just have to look forward to meeting her as soon as I possibly can.

It does put doubt into your mind when things like this arise. Like is somehting going to go horribly wrong? Am I willing something to go horribly wrong by having those thoughts? I just now know I cannot wait for Sept 27th ish to get on a plane a get my baby girl.

So tonight Sophie, I am sorry for the delay, but just be patient. We are working very hard to do the right things to come and bring you home. Sleep tight little one knowing that we are on our way we have just been a little delayed. We love you more and more everyday and cannot wait to see your sweet little face. The whole family prays nightly for your homecoming. Your daddy was heart broken today learnign that he must wait two more weeks to see your precious face. Don't worry we are using our extended time to get everything ready for you at home. We are so looking forward to the day that we will get to hold you. I love you Love Mom